Back to connection

Even at the best of times, when I think I’m most connected to my higher self and my consciousness, I get lost. I lose my way all the time, multiple times a day.. sometimes I become aware of it, sometimes I don’t and continue operating under the understanding that I’m connected. I still think I understand what’s going on, that I’m in control and I’m aware, that I’m doing everything in the highest good. Until I have that one wake up call, that I really haven’t been paying attention, thta I am walking around, more like stumbling, with my eyes closed and not interacting with daily life. That I’ve become closed off and unperceptive, that I’ve shut down. However, my mind is so great at masking this from me that I slip in unconsciousness completely unaware that I’m not longer lucid. It’s like losing track of yourself in the lucid dream, somehow you unnoticeably become part of the dream and no longer in charge of it. Life is like a dream, it’s pliable and willing if you are lucid, and it’s dense and muddy when you are not.

Last night’s tarot reading and today’s meditation brought me back to lucidity. My reading was extremely powerful and jolting to opening my eyes again, and taking a deep breath. My Judgement call came. This is it. This is my last opportunity, next time I slip away for a long time, I won’t come out. The calling energy is here, you either get on board or you don’t. This is the last opportunity. I must do all possible to stay lucid, to stay aware. So focus becomes on how to stay lucid, how to stay conscious and aware of my life. Staying grounded and staying connected, while still having to participate in daily activities of unconscious mind- as they still must be managed. Self care, in the most simplest form- early up, exercise, conscious presence in all decision, slow down, take time to be grounded, to meditate. When tarot cards start popping up and I’m looking at them with “big blank eyes” – I have no clue what you are saying to me- I’m not 5 of cups, or I’m not 4 of cups, or 7 of wands, or even 3 of swords- this is the biggest clue that yes, you are. You have slipped off, you are unconscious and the cards are mirroring it back to you. Denial will get you in trouble, you will further slip away. There is a part of you that must recognize the situation for what it truly is- looking at things you don’t want to look at, becoming interactive with all aspects of your life. Are you going from day to day “waiting for Friday” so you can do nothing productive, so you can “relax”, so you can “please” yourself with Netflix and ice cream. or will you do something worthwhile- like take the time to meditate, take the time to write and reflect. Keep up on the consciousness, checking back with yourself about being awake, getting feedback from yourself- sending yourself signals and responding to them- are both parts of your brain participating, are you aware, are you conscious. When you don’t want to do that- that’s one part taking over the other- your mind is allowing you to fall asleep and has deployed it’s tricks. “Ah, I’ll meditate tomorrow. Or, ergh, I don’t want to balance my bank account today, I’ll worry about it Monday”. This right there- should be your wake up call. This should click in your mind and turn on the defense questions: Wait. Why am I procrastinating again? Am I fully conscious?

Self pity is a slippery slope of the unconscious. Its a quick slide, it’s a quick ride to the bottom of fully unconscious. The victim mentality. “But I’ve worked so hard, I’ve cleaned the whole house today, I’ve taken care of everyone else today, I need downtime. I need to just “veg” on the couch and chill. There is nothing wrong with watching one movie before bed.” I’m at a point where this exactly gets me in trouble. One night turns into the next, and next and next… and after that I’m out like a light. No longer aware, slipped into “victim mentality” of I’m so tired, I’m so exhausted, life is hard, I don’t want to do this anymore, I wasn’t meant to just clean the house, feed my family and pay bills. I’m a spiritual being, I need time for me to read my cards… This is my slippery slope! It’s so eerily similar to the reality that I’m a spiritual being, that I’m more than a housewife and business owner. But the approach to this must be different! Looking at this resentfully, looking at this annoyed and ungrateful (looking at the murky sun from the bottom of the lake, through the water)- doesn’t paint a good picture. But reversing the role, by giving myself time to be conscious, to be up at 4am- not because it’s the right things to do, but because it feels good to be up with Earth and Sun, on their cycles, is empowering. It’s uplifting. I’m taking the time to remember my place in Universe, to take life by the horns and take charge of my consciousness.

My theme card was Chariot. Taking charge, taking control, being willful, being powerful and aware, lucid, the driver- the direction giver, the navigator of consciousness. Taking charge of the situation, rather being unconsciously drag by the situation whichever way it takes you.

My issue is unplugging from life and being irresponsible with my finances. Instead of allowing money to run my life, I need to make the money work for me. Making wise choices, making wise purchases- not cheap, not save a penny here or there- but in general being more conscious of what bills I actually have, how much interest is going somewhere, what useless crap do I tend to buy (aka coffee and take out). Its not about spending $10 for a dance class, it’s about the bigger picture- am I in control of my finances. Does the money serve me? or do I serve it? Its easier to roll over and let it take over. But its worth it to get on it, and ride it.

I struggle remembering how to best connect with my consciousness. I begin to substitute my spirituality with watching Gaia TV, or listening to other’s spiritual wisdom. It will not replace me experiencing it. I can’t experience their wisdom, because it’s not mine. It may make a lot of sense. But the best way is to do it. TO take the time to meditate. To take the time to write and reflect. Not for Ego’s sake (oh I’m so wise.. I have so much knowledge), but for myself, I’m not out to teach anyone anything, but to live my life the best way I know how. My ego needs to settle down. I’m aware of when it starts to get cocky, so that’s a plus. I get too worried about what others will think of my musings, rather than just doing this for myself. I try to make things too official- Let go of the concept that I have to fit it in any sort of a box, it is what it is. Any beginning is a beginning, it doesn’t need to be a perfect one. It doesn’t need to be beautiful and decorated. This is my story and I choose to write it however it serves me best.

My cards showed me the importance of not being lost in Ego land, the land of instant gratification, the wishful thinking, how important to just recognize that all prior mistakes are just water under the bridge, and I must move on. 7 of cups and 5 of cups reversed – their message is to stop dreaming, stop pouting, but pick up the full cups and move on. Cross that bridge, make that commitment and keep walking. Quit coming back to mourn your 5 cups. Live in the present moment. Let it be your departure point into the future, rather than living the past moment, allowing it to define your future.

What do I have to do to stay conscious?

Be on the look out for victim mentality. It’s not enough to just recognize that I’m thinking that way again. It’s necessary to remember that I can’t live in “tomorrow I’ll do better”. The saying “Now is the only time” must be felt and embodied. That means right now, right here I make the choice to be conscious. I’m aware of my actions, I’m aware of the bigger picture of why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I’m aware that I’m not a victim, that I’m doing this for myself, to better myself. By reminding myself that now is my time, I’m pushing myself towards my life path, towards the light. Take the time to remember that each day is the “Now” what I do “now” determines my future path. It is not about “oh I messed up, this will screw me up, I’m so bad..blah blah blah”. It’s about recognizing when you are no longer conscious, and gently lovingly push yourself back to the light, but reminding yourself “Now is that moment”.

When I hear the “mental fog” and things that I think I remember what they mean, but don’t quite “feel” them- let that be an alert. a wake up call. Let that be the perfect time to remember that “now is that moment” to go meditate, to connect with my own consciousness. Love yourself enough to wake yourself up.

Hermit is not about being left alone, or being able to relax, or being able to get away from it all. It’s about taking the time to plug in to your own consciousness, to access where on your path you are. Are you lucid? Are you straying? Hermit is the loving and gentle reminder that you need a re connection with meditation of being “present”. Not a spirit guide, or a lucid dream, or astral projection.. but “NOW” moment. Being aware of your body, being aware of your soul in your mind, being aware of the spiritual being that resides in your body and in your mind. Allow that spiritual being show you the way, light your path and direct you to the higher good. Follow it’s call, this is your judgement. Go with that energy.

Love and light!

Yulia

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Enjoying joy and how to find it. Feeling emotions and present moment.

I love technology, but hate it at the same time. It is convenient and comfortable, yet it has a giant sideeffect: it takes us out of the present moment. We are not present with all of our senses in the moment where we exist. This minute just went by with you (me, all of us) holding the cell phone in our  hands, walking along with our face buried in it. You aren’t present in your surroundings,you choose to be present in an alternate reality of “phone world of Facebook and instagram”, or choosing to be present in the moment of a life of some stranger like a celebrity that just had a child. You are living someone else’s moments, because you are choosing to not be present within. After a while, this feeling becomes so comfortable that we choose to always be somewhere elese. We check out even in social moments with our loved once by diving into the present (thinking of today’s conversations) or looking ahead (oh I have to do this tomorrow, or I’m dreading that meeting). We ae so used and comfortable being somewhere else that we just change, we become distant, we become annoyed without the access to other reality. We don’t count the present moment. Right here. Right now. Feel yourself present through your body. Take your attention to your feet-what are they doing? Are they comfortable curled up under you like this? Are your legs crossed? Feel them. Feel your behind on the chair or a bed, feel it’s softness or hardness. Feel the muscles in your face, is your forehead crunched up? Right now, take the time to feel your body. Once you are done and are aware look around you. Mentally f eel each item in the room, become aware of its presence. If you have a pet in the room, tap into them-feel their presence, feel their love for you, their joy. Right now,here. Once you are comfrtable with this start doing that with people you love.feel your child’s joy. Feel your child’s sadness. Once you feel you will connect, you will understand them better and what they need from you. Or how you can help them feel and understand their feelings.

More and more you do it, you will see the things that feelgood and things thatdont.you will know when you will benefit from tapping into your present moment. Great tool to improve your daily life. Our society and lifestyle prevents us and our future generations from learning how to just with yourself.our ancestors had plenty of time to be with themselves in the present moment. Their values show us that. We can learn a lot from looking at our ancestors as we people, rather than ancient and not advanced. They were very advanced in the art of self observation. Then something changed.this change came before age of t3chnology, but didn’t affect as many. Once technology became accessible to everyone, we can observe the shift in global consciousness. I think many of us are becoming aware of something being off, but can’t quite identify it.we can’t quite put our fingers on it long enough to remember. Many of us want to wake up, but find it difficult. Truth is, we must learn how to make that change. Our future literally depends on it. We have forgotten what it means to not be a society, what it means to live for ourselves. Not in a selfish manner, but rather we live in cities where the pace of life is insane and we expect ourselves to keep up with it. You remember those peaceful farmers who lived and enjoyed life, until some duke or prince came along and said this is my land now, and you will work for me. But I’m off topic here, I have no political agenda, I just look at the situation from a big picture.

Choose to find the joy in your life. Feel your present moment and remember that all you have is now. Tomorrow is not promised, but don’t be scared of it. Just feel the now. You can pay attention to the scary things in your life or to the good ones. Somehow the good ones always get taken from granted. You don’t benefit from that. Recognize and acknowledge the good in your life. You have a roof over your head? Feel how grateful  you are to be protected from the weather. Instead of “I wish I had 2 bathrooms”. You exist in a reality where thesee two facts are equal in their reality, but you have a choice in what you notice. Which one serves you the most? Certainly not a useless wish. A fact that you are comfortable has more weight in their service to you.

Every detail in your life has the gratitude factor. Find it. Remember it. Feel it often. Tremendous tool in improving your life without physically having to make a change. When you feel grouchy, or frustrated but want to feel better and don’t want to be down: Ackwnoldge your feelings of frustration and sayyes, I feelyou, I respect that you exist, but I can’t dwell on you and wallow in you. I’m going to go wallow in something good because I want to feel better. And go through your gratitude list: appreciate your family members, your friends, your pets, your self, your plants, your house. You are showering not only self with that love, but them also.they will feel it. Howver, I should  clarify that forcing yourself to feel better because “you should” is just wrong. Stay present with your emotion, allow it to feel heard. You will know when you are ready to move on withit. If right now is not the time to feel frustrated (social event, or work) you can say, yes I feel you frustration, and I will give you my time, but right now until 5pm I need to be functional. I am not dismissing you,I’m postponing our encounter. And then do as promised, make time to sit with that feeling, it needs to be processed.

 

But if you learn how to see gratitude through its truest, honest perception your life will drastically improve. You just have to be prepared for that change and have it be something you are welcoming. There are a great deal of people who say they want a better life, but expect life to change on its own, without them doing anything about it. They expect to be handed something great, while they sit there and pout about what they already have. How can you appreciate something new and good, if you don’t know know how to see something good in what you already have? Teach yourself and then you will just encounter things that bring you joy, because you will know how to see it.

 

Love and light!

Being your own teacher

Have you ever paused to think about the miracles of details that had to happen for you to be where you are? Not just the big picture, but the smaller details.

Have you ever had someone say something to you at just the perfect time? Had it been yestrrday, you would not have fully understood the true meaning of it and wouldn’t have acquired the importance that you did today. Think about the fact that every word, every encounter has the potential to have that meaning to uou, if you choose to start paying attention.you would be able to tap into something and see the lessons and purpose behind it all. Tremendous amounts of wisdom, your life lesson, your connections, your mistakes, your wins, everything. Literally everything in your life. There is no judgement, that’s the key to staying sane and objective. Otherwise you could venture on a completely wrong path of selfhate. Stay objective in your observations, see behind them the true value of the word why, not the “well because I made a bad decision, because that’s what I do when I dont think it through. Or because I’m stupid”. Just stop yourself when you get to that point in your observation and think of the true purpose of your observations.

I feel like that is what they mean when they say “look inside yourself, search for the answer within”.

You yourself can be your best teacher. If you choose to start paying attention. You can identify your own triggers, your own weak spots, without judgement but simply because they are. You can change anything about yourself. You can improve yourself and be the best  version of yourself you can be. I feel like this would be the best answer to those struggling with addictions, who want to actively be free of them, but can’t quite figure out how. Being able to put your finger on that exact moment of when you are about to make the choice you will regret, and say “wait a minute, this is what I do that causes me to stay on the same path that I no longer want to be on”, and Just in that moment to say “no, I am in charge of my path, I make a choice today and right now to not go back on that path” and consciously choose to walk away from the situation that is getting to to stray.

I get asked sometimes how did I manage to quit smoking so seemingly easily? Just up and done,that’s it. I’ve gone back once to smoking, I gave myself permission to use it as a crutch through a difficult part in my life, fully knowing that this is all it is, an available tool go help me get through it and that I’d only enjoy it for about a month and then quit again. And I did, when I said to myself I would. No regrets, no sadness,no struggle.

Sometimes I’ll catch myself enjoying a wif of a cigarette, and then remind myself how much I actually hate it (new habit: to find the smoke repulsive). And boom I remember.

To me it’s about visualizing the goal :

Part one: myself without habit of smoking. So I see myself in all the situations and scenarios where I’d normally smoke, but I see myself comfortable and not smoking. That would be driving, after a meal,before bed, on a break..etc

 

Part two: I replay that scenario in my head enough times to feel it through my bones,prepare myself for how it is going to feel to be comfortable with this decision. And then just act. Wake up one morning and say today is the day, and I am excited to begin this chapter of my life. I discard the feelings on doubt, how it’s gonna suck-they simply are not the thoughts that I choose to focus on, shortly they even cease to exist.

I’ve used this technique in many situations in my life. I find joy and pride in the strength of will power that lives in me. And I’m great full to have discovered the access to it.

I know many people feel they can do things, but they lack preparedness tools, and don’t quite know how to find them. But once they do, the world is their oyster.there isn’t anything they can’t do. You are your own best teacher, just be still enough to learn and peer in your heart.

 

Love and light!

4-11

And I fell off, I quit checking in with myself and started up telling myself that I”m doing fine. Only this afternoon, as I snaped at a situation, I realized what was happening. So here I am again, starting and continuing on this journey of keeping myself present and aware of my emotions, thoughts, feelings. It is amazing how many times today, after catching the “early snap”, I noticed myself thinking negative thoughts. I’m glad I was able to recognize them right there and then and identify them just as thoughts that I watched pass. Emotions are harder to observe, they are sneakier..and they are easier to integrate into and become part of them rather than realize that i don’t have to partake in what they want me to feel, I can just observe. I have to say that I’m really happy with my effort today on being mindful of the negativity that starting creeping into my life. I feel upbeat this evening, and I am content and happy with myself for noticing and getting back up to par.

It is an ongoing journey, the beginning, as I develop this habit of being aware and being able to recognize it, will be challenging, it is challenging. Slip ups are nothing to beat myself up for, at all. The negative self talk is the opposite of what I’m trying to achieve. Instead of resisting the old habits and fighting them, I just observe my mind as I see myself think them. Being aware of what is happening in my head, making sense of the patterns, how the habits have their “wiring” installed. Instilling new habits will be something different, and instead of thinking of it as a separate big task ,right now the only habit I’m forming is awareness. I have not meditated today, but I will this evening, once I’m done typing.

What will I do differently tomorrow? I will get up at my regular time (which I haven’t done in 2 days) and give myself a head start in the morning by thinking through my days’ plans. If my day doesn’t go as planned, that is also okay.

Tomorrow during nap time I will do some filing, my office is filled with papers.. so many.. how do people organize their office?? I seem to invent a million ways to file the same thing, so I end up looking in a million different folders because I am overly organized, I guess. Eh, that is something I will think about tomorrow, now it is time to have a me evening.

Love and light and joy! (ah I love feeling the light as I type these words!!)

Automatic writing from .. my higherself??

*Edit: today’s post started as a means to check back in with myself about my day. What emerged right after I started typing was something other.. a conversation with my higherself? I did ask myself for help today more than once.. I finally gave it the opportunity to come and express “myself”. Wow. I’m very happy about this conversation! So as you read and it starts to shift into a different direction, that’s the transition.

I can’t say that I succeeded today in staying present or even staying positive. I think last night’s failure in meditation and this mornings brain tantrums threw me off course. I know that tomorrow I can do better. I know that tomorrow is a brand new day and all is going to be good. It’s a new start, “Today is a new day”. Just because today didn’t turn out as I wished, it doesn’t mean that I can give up on my goals.

Staying present is challenging. Humans are creatures of habit, and it’s hard to break habits, especially if they are in our “favor”. Living outside of the present moment allows me an excuse to be a certain way or not to be a certain way, it suits my “needs”, keeps away the responsibility. It’s a hard habit to let go. But not impossible. Living in the present moment brings a greater joy, a greater love and greater appreciation for everything in life. That, right there, is worth striving for. It’s worth trying time and time and again. Feeling the roots take hold in the ground from the bottoms of my feet, such a powerful visual. It helps me stay anchored and tied to the core, steady and safe, comfortable and relaxed, secure and happy, feeling of belonging and relaxation. Finding comfort in that feeling, developing and further visualizing such a powerful image helps stay focused. Helps provide the foundations for building on with ideas, habits, beliefs… strong foundation is key. I often feel very air headed, not grounded and now I feel that a good part of my meditation practice should focus on grounding work. I often get so air-headed that I forget to check in on the ground- fleeting brain, random thoughts are all results of not being grounded or connected. Taking root, making home, finding the core is the ground work for building up the higher self to live in this world. The more grounded I can make sure that I am, the more successful I will be at reaching my goals every day, staying connected and reaching the higher vibrational frequencies. Two techniques that seem to do well for me are 1- imagining roots from the bottom of my feet, and 2- to feel every connection my body has with the physical world- feeling in the fingertips as my fingers type and touch the keyboard, feeling of the skin pulling under my elbows, as I reach for the keys higher up the “middle key line”, the coldness of the computer desk, the weight of headphones on my head, the fuzziness of the carpet under my feet. Find that reality and grasp it, visualize the connections.

Once my mind is calm, and I’m at peace with the day, changes can really take place. The transformation between this afternoon and the state of “now” is mind blowing. Small things in life can remind us why we try hard to break habits.. My son is that reason. Taking the time to feel joy in his presence today, while he sweetly cuddled on me as we read books and he pointed out all the letters that he knew.. Realizing that nowhere is more important than right here and right now. Future may never come, but the present is all we have. Taking the moment to see the light in the present moment and realize its value, take it for what it is, pure love, pure happiness- nothing is masked when the mind is calm. Frantic mind hides all the joy in the world. It masks it with dark colors and unhappy sub-tones.. who needs that? why would you choose to pay attention to the dark colors, rather than the bright and happy moment underneath? No one would consciously choose to, people are, at least so many people, are unaware that they have that choice, that they hold the key and the power to make that valuable difference in their life. By recognizing that the present moment is always masked with shadows of past and hints of the future, the worries, unhappiness and stress… Why are we programmed to see the negative? Why can’t we focus on the positive? Evolutionary trait? perhaps, seeing the negative might have ben potentially life saving at one point in time.. Why are so many “waking up” now? Because we are no longer a vibrational match to the evolving universe, the fractal is dividing, or multiplying. We need to do so along with it, so our consciousness is dividing is in the two that we really are: the mind and the self (the source, the consciousness), so that we may choose the side- the one that wins for us personally. Not everyone in the world is meant to be awakened, some need to stay behind and remind us the conscious ones why the evolution process happened. Prepping yourself for that evolution is what your job is, your mission, your purpose. You, by becoming your greater version, help inspire others who are almost ready to make that change.. but those who aren’t- won’t do anything different in their lives- and that’s okay too. We are a garland, by turning on your “present” moment light, you help shine some light on those who aren’t beaming yet, by shedding some light in their directions simply by being you, by being close.. it helps them see the light with in themselves. We aren’t here to preach, to teach or punish, we are here simply to inspire, to invite changes, make it known, make it common, make it seen rather than something that “only Tibetan monks can do”, or “you read about in books of ancient civilizations”. This world will evolve into something beautiful, pure, full of love and compassion, understanding and joy. Earth’s and humanities evolution is something to be witnessed, something to be enjoyed, we are truly lucky to be alive in this time and watch the transformation form the ugly, uncaring and selfish (all generally applied terms) species into something beautiful… caterpillar into a butterfly, if you will. although I don’t think we have a “marinading” time , we are just going for it- evolving as we go on about our lives.

*This last paragraph below is me asking a clarifying question and getting the answer, so you will notice a lot of interchanges between “I, you and them”-”

So work on yourself, you can do it, because the result will be tremendous. Remember, you aren’t here to teach, you are here to simply be and inspire- how you choose to inspire is your own calling. So what am I doing now by writing this all out in a public blog? Truth is, here, those who search for it, will find it, just like the millions of other waking up light workers, will eventually find their patch to what they search. Think about it, how did you arrive to read papers, blogs, books on these subjects- there is a reason. You are not advertising, you aren’t pushing it down anyone’s throat, I’m simply here … for you… to document my journey, to help myself get to the place where I can beam love and light.. if something here inspires someone else- that’s fantastic, I’m joyful for them. That’s your way of shining light on those who wish to receive it.

 

Ok, I think that’s enough automatic writing for the night.. this was a profound learning session for me.. finally being able to put down in words something that has come to my head so many times, but never having the means to record it or later to phrase it so it makes sense. Now I have to go back through and edit all the typos… there are so many, I was typing a million words a minute!

 

Love and light!

Day 3?

Yesterday was spent on the road completely so I didn’t get a chance to sit down and type anything, and I can completely tell how uncentered I am. I can’t even see when my thoughts come to me and when they go, they just appear and I’m so out of touch with the present moment that I can’t tell when it happens. The thoughts were not catch-able, they are so fast fleeting, it was so discouraging last night when I tried to meditate. Another something interesting I noticed last night during meditation was that I can’t bring awareness to my lower body.. HWne I lay in bed I can feel the pressure on certain points of my body from laying on the mattress, but I can’t seem to bring my awareness below my hips, my mind has put up a road block  and I last night I couldn’t even observe it away. My leg muscles were so tight and tensed after a whole day in the vehicle, and I wanted to relax them so bad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I kept waiting for that moment of relief. In theory I understand what I was doing wrong, which is giving that thought the time to dwell in my brain, but whenever I brought awareness to my body, my mind was throwing images at me at the speed of light. I suppose somehow i must have been in the state of resistance. I also felt like I couldn’t bring myself back to “center”, I felt that I was really off to the right off myself, if that even makes sense. It does to me, Like I”m here, I’m close, but I’m not in the center and I can’t “jump” myself in the center of myself.

I also feel this way today, I’m not centered and I’m trying to observe it.. what a strange feeling this is! I see myself typing, and I obviously see through my eyes, but when I try to bring awareness to center, I am not there, I’m off to the side.

I tried to set intentions this morning when I got up and was taking a shower, since my mind felt blank.. but every time I tried to focus on an intention my mind started screaming, literally- by throwing random images in to my thoughts, not even any that made sense. Like it was so desperate to keep the present moment away that it couldn’t even think fast enough first thing in the morning to give me something coherent to think about. They were literally blurbs of information in an attempt to distract me, like hedgehogs, towels, trains, dirty floor, trash day, stars, Paris, I mean just anything. I suppose because I don’t feel centered I can’t observe those thoughts. I’d say one intention, and feel myself in split milisecond shift into my body, gain the perspective from the center just to lose that feeling almost immediately. I suppose the best thing would be to just observe that feeling as it happens? I feel myself setting expectations that it will happen and I’m waiting for the observation moment. This must be my mind trying to control myself and create the illusion of meditation and present moment to throw me off track. What a tricky frustrating discovery. Argh. Even as I’m typing this, I’m typing this from the “side”…

My higherself, I really need help with this. I see it happening, but I feel powerless over this. I want to have a day of presence, awareness and self-accountability. I don’t want a day inthe side lines. I close my eyes, I center myself on my breath, a few seconds go by and my mind starts up “this isn’t going to work, just stop it, you are frustrating yourself, see you still can’t bring awareness to any part of your body because you start thinking “what do I feel????”, instead of being able to observe that area and space.

I turned on binurial beats and brought awareness to different areas of my body, It is interesting how certain areas are off limits, like I can’t be aware of my knees or my shoulders.. I experience resistance when I bring awareness to my right leg, it is so tensed up and the desperation feeling of release is overwhelming. I place expectations, I long for that feeling of release and objectively looking I understand that this is what is hindering the awareness. Somehow i just can’t quite catch those thoughts and feelings as they come to me, I can’t “poke” it and see it to be able to say “I’m aware of you”. I can’t hold my focus on a certain place or even my breath for a few seconds, it jumps all over the place. If my brain was ever a monkey, today is the day. It is telling me to give up, I won’t succeed. I feel so rushed along, as I keep looking over at the clock, it’s telling me to quit this and go to work as my son will wake up soon.

There are days when I don’t know how to just observe. Why do I forget that simple instruction? How does that happen? May be that is why yoga is good? you can be mindful while experiencing a stretch or pull on a specific muscle? I don’t know how to “yoga” correctly.. I’ve done it, and enjoyed it, but I can honestly that I enjoyed only the first few classes, after that my mind “tuned out” of it and I kept watching the clock.. whats up with that?

However, I do still intend to have a day of awareness of my thoughts and actions and feelings. Observe myself without judgement. Let go of that resistance. Maybe I’m just not advanced enough yet to be aware of my body completely, and it will come with practice. Is this the time when I bite off more than I can chew and then get frustrated when things don’t happen as they”should”?? My mind has placed the “should have and this should be this way” expectations and truth be told.. i just need to observe the “shoulds”. Its not that they don’t belong, its not that they do, its just that they ARE and I need to become aware of them. That’s what it is… wow. profound little discovery. It’s interesting how with certain emotions I can’t be “aware” of them, I unknowingly and unconsciously judge them. The feeling of desperation..just watch it, that’s all. My mind is tricking me into analyzing it, why it’s there .. but that doesnt matter. It just is. I observe it. I observe my expectations for physical relief of my muscles…. My brain is screaming images again.. What is the difference between awareness in a certain part of the body and focusing on it?

 

Love and light and joy!

May the day be amazing!

4/5 Mid Day check in

Reminding myself that I’m doing a mid day check in, to see how well I have managed to stay present and not let my mind run a muck. I can’t say that I’m present, I haven’t been present, I can’t quiet my mind in the middle of the day because there are so many things going on. Between running errands for work, at the same time keeping up with the toddler, and trying to remember the appointment my husband just told me about.. my mind has all the fuel it needs to run a million miles an hour. First step is acknowledging it. Second step is becoming aware. Looking back on the first part of the day, I see how I could have done things differently. This is where I learn. Being able to go back and non-judgementally access the situation for what it was and what I could have done differently to better align with my goal of staying present and staying positive.

I had to stop myself and meditate for 2 minutes, just to remember why I’m even writing. I am afraid my focus is shifting in being amuzing to others and that is entirely not my intent. I’m doing this for myself. I just said this outloud. I have to remember that this is my work book in a way of keeping myself in check, keeping my self accountable. So that does mean that I need to reflect and reflect truly, because unless I”m honest with myself I can’t make changes and make improvements. Or better yet, I can’t even notice that there is a problem and that it needs to be observed.

I was very scattered today, I was thinking about one thing (do a contract for this guy), but was doing something else- gathering my purse and keeping my son out of the drawers in the office, while the phone rings and my husband tells me of a different customer. I recognize this scatteredness in myself, it’s become a big part of me in the last… 8-9 years? may be 7? It didn’t use to be me. I thrived on being able to manage myself while going a million miles an hour, I was SUPER organized and never scattered. Priorities have shifted, but habits have not. First step for me is to recognize that its no longer something I strive for. I don’t want to manage life at 100 MPH as its zooming by and I’m barely making out the details, frantically grabbing on to bits and pieces while trying to comprehend the big picture. So how do I slow down enough without missing a beat? Or if I have to miss beats, which ones are there and where do I find the time to dissect my life enough to make those choices. I often find myself thinking that I just need 30 minutes to think about this (examples are dinner ideas for the family, finances, travel ideas, gifts etc), but I don’t ever have a quiet few minutes that are dedicated to that thought. Once I actually make the time to think, my brain doesn’t want to think, it wants to jump from topic to topic, from idea to idea, thus stressing me out and making me feel that not even 15 minutes of quiet and dedicated time are sufficient to get my thoughts together. I swear my bad habits have hijacked me! Did I forget how to prioritize on the fly? Perhaps that is it. I don’t need to hit a pause button to contemplate every options or every decision.

Somehow I have this idea that I must prep for everything. I like to browse pinterest to find delicious recipes, then I access how difficult a recipe would be, what ingredients I have and what I don’t have… then I contemplate making a grocery list.. then I realize well I might as well add a Costco run to this since I’m out of detergent.. oh I should start a load of laundry, it won’t take long, oh crap, there is stuff in the dryer.. take it out put it on the couch to fold.. oh shit, here is a dirty glass by the couch, take it to the kitchen. Fuck, my dishes aren’t done. I aint’ going shopping! so……….. waste of my time, manifestation of stress, negativity and self degradation (because there is also another inner monologue going that says ” why cant I do this right??, why is my house such a mess?” I suck at this “stay-at-home-mom-work-from-home-thing). This is my mind hijacked. I think it is a logical way of thinking (messy house=bad me). Reflecting allows me to look at that train of thought and put on the breaks and say wo-wo-wo! Hold your horses. Observe your thoughts. Observe them. You are doing just fine, as long as you don’t loose control of yourself and don’t spiral down in the negative self talk.

Take a deep breath. Another one. Feel this fresh air, the oxygen fill your lungs, fill every fiber of your being and breathe out all the negativity, all the stress. You don’t need it. My day is going smooth and calm. I have 2.5 hours before I have to pick up my step son from school and my youngest is napping. What can I accomplish in that time? Wrong. What should I do with this precious chunk of time?

Let’s see.. I have to pick up the house and do some dishes after breakfast and lunch.. let’s say I give myself 20 minutes for that.

After that I need to get dinner in the oven.. what does that mean.. Brain is prompting me to go look at pinterest to see how to make a specific dinner. No. Not yet. Observe the urge. I don’t need to know this right now. Gosh, my brain LOVES information, it just consumes it. It doesn’t always retain in, it consumes the feeling of knowledge. No wonder its called a thirst for knowledge. Choo–choo… train has departed. I’m not boarding it. Back to observation. I will give myself 30 minutes for dinner plans.

Then I have to resolve that financial hiccup we have with a vendor, this I need to take a closer approach to. I tend to do a lot of judging of myself when I open my bank accounts. Facts. just look at facts. I have no room for judgemental today. I will open my bank account, I will decide how much payroll approximately will be (I will NOT do payroll today, because it’s not necessary and not due yet), and I will pay the vendor. I give my self 30 minutes for this.

The rest of the time, I need to make time to meditate. So far my schedule is written out for 1 hour and 20 minutes, I hope my son will nap that long for me to accomplish all of these tasks.

Im still feeling scattered… I don’t think any of this planning helped. I know why!! My MIND is writing this. I’m not connected with higher self.  I wasn’t writing this for my self, I thought I was. Hmmmmm… I suppose meditating first should be my priority.

 

I feel strangely at peace having made the decison to meditate first.

Love and joy!