Back to connection

Even at the best of times, when I think I’m most connected to my higher self and my consciousness, I get lost. I lose my way all the time, multiple times a day.. sometimes I become aware of it, sometimes I don’t and continue operating under the understanding that I’m connected. I still think I understand what’s going on, that I’m in control and I’m aware, that I’m doing everything in the highest good. Until I have that one wake up call, that I really haven’t been paying attention, thta I am walking around, more like stumbling, with my eyes closed and not interacting with daily life. That I’ve become closed off and unperceptive, that I’ve shut down. However, my mind is so great at masking this from me that I slip in unconsciousness completely unaware that I’m not longer lucid. It’s like losing track of yourself in the lucid dream, somehow you unnoticeably become part of the dream and no longer in charge of it. Life is like a dream, it’s pliable and willing if you are lucid, and it’s dense and muddy when you are not.

Last night’s tarot reading and today’s meditation brought me back to lucidity. My reading was extremely powerful and jolting to opening my eyes again, and taking a deep breath. My Judgement call came. This is it. This is my last opportunity, next time I slip away for a long time, I won’t come out. The calling energy is here, you either get on board or you don’t. This is the last opportunity. I must do all possible to stay lucid, to stay aware. So focus becomes on how to stay lucid, how to stay conscious and aware of my life. Staying grounded and staying connected, while still having to participate in daily activities of unconscious mind- as they still must be managed. Self care, in the most simplest form- early up, exercise, conscious presence in all decision, slow down, take time to be grounded, to meditate. When tarot cards start popping up and I’m looking at them with “big blank eyes” – I have no clue what you are saying to me- I’m not 5 of cups, or I’m not 4 of cups, or 7 of wands, or even 3 of swords- this is the biggest clue that yes, you are. You have slipped off, you are unconscious and the cards are mirroring it back to you. Denial will get you in trouble, you will further slip away. There is a part of you that must recognize the situation for what it truly is- looking at things you don’t want to look at, becoming interactive with all aspects of your life. Are you going from day to day “waiting for Friday” so you can do nothing productive, so you can “relax”, so you can “please” yourself with Netflix and ice cream. or will you do something worthwhile- like take the time to meditate, take the time to write and reflect. Keep up on the consciousness, checking back with yourself about being awake, getting feedback from yourself- sending yourself signals and responding to them- are both parts of your brain participating, are you aware, are you conscious. When you don’t want to do that- that’s one part taking over the other- your mind is allowing you to fall asleep and has deployed it’s tricks. “Ah, I’ll meditate tomorrow. Or, ergh, I don’t want to balance my bank account today, I’ll worry about it Monday”. This right there- should be your wake up call. This should click in your mind and turn on the defense questions: Wait. Why am I procrastinating again? Am I fully conscious?

Self pity is a slippery slope of the unconscious. Its a quick slide, it’s a quick ride to the bottom of fully unconscious. The victim mentality. “But I’ve worked so hard, I’ve cleaned the whole house today, I’ve taken care of everyone else today, I need downtime. I need to just “veg” on the couch and chill. There is nothing wrong with watching one movie before bed.” I’m at a point where this exactly gets me in trouble. One night turns into the next, and next and next… and after that I’m out like a light. No longer aware, slipped into “victim mentality” of I’m so tired, I’m so exhausted, life is hard, I don’t want to do this anymore, I wasn’t meant to just clean the house, feed my family and pay bills. I’m a spiritual being, I need time for me to read my cards… This is my slippery slope! It’s so eerily similar to the reality that I’m a spiritual being, that I’m more than a housewife and business owner. But the approach to this must be different! Looking at this resentfully, looking at this annoyed and ungrateful (looking at the murky sun from the bottom of the lake, through the water)- doesn’t paint a good picture. But reversing the role, by giving myself time to be conscious, to be up at 4am- not because it’s the right things to do, but because it feels good to be up with Earth and Sun, on their cycles, is empowering. It’s uplifting. I’m taking the time to remember my place in Universe, to take life by the horns and take charge of my consciousness.

My theme card was Chariot. Taking charge, taking control, being willful, being powerful and aware, lucid, the driver- the direction giver, the navigator of consciousness. Taking charge of the situation, rather being unconsciously drag by the situation whichever way it takes you.

My issue is unplugging from life and being irresponsible with my finances. Instead of allowing money to run my life, I need to make the money work for me. Making wise choices, making wise purchases- not cheap, not save a penny here or there- but in general being more conscious of what bills I actually have, how much interest is going somewhere, what useless crap do I tend to buy (aka coffee and take out). Its not about spending $10 for a dance class, it’s about the bigger picture- am I in control of my finances. Does the money serve me? or do I serve it? Its easier to roll over and let it take over. But its worth it to get on it, and ride it.

I struggle remembering how to best connect with my consciousness. I begin to substitute my spirituality with watching Gaia TV, or listening to other’s spiritual wisdom. It will not replace me experiencing it. I can’t experience their wisdom, because it’s not mine. It may make a lot of sense. But the best way is to do it. TO take the time to meditate. To take the time to write and reflect. Not for Ego’s sake (oh I’m so wise.. I have so much knowledge), but for myself, I’m not out to teach anyone anything, but to live my life the best way I know how. My ego needs to settle down. I’m aware of when it starts to get cocky, so that’s a plus. I get too worried about what others will think of my musings, rather than just doing this for myself. I try to make things too official- Let go of the concept that I have to fit it in any sort of a box, it is what it is. Any beginning is a beginning, it doesn’t need to be a perfect one. It doesn’t need to be beautiful and decorated. This is my story and I choose to write it however it serves me best.

My cards showed me the importance of not being lost in Ego land, the land of instant gratification, the wishful thinking, how important to just recognize that all prior mistakes are just water under the bridge, and I must move on. 7 of cups and 5 of cups reversed – their message is to stop dreaming, stop pouting, but pick up the full cups and move on. Cross that bridge, make that commitment and keep walking. Quit coming back to mourn your 5 cups. Live in the present moment. Let it be your departure point into the future, rather than living the past moment, allowing it to define your future.

What do I have to do to stay conscious?

Be on the look out for victim mentality. It’s not enough to just recognize that I’m thinking that way again. It’s necessary to remember that I can’t live in “tomorrow I’ll do better”. The saying “Now is the only time” must be felt and embodied. That means right now, right here I make the choice to be conscious. I’m aware of my actions, I’m aware of the bigger picture of why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I’m aware that I’m not a victim, that I’m doing this for myself, to better myself. By reminding myself that now is my time, I’m pushing myself towards my life path, towards the light. Take the time to remember that each day is the “Now” what I do “now” determines my future path. It is not about “oh I messed up, this will screw me up, I’m so bad..blah blah blah”. It’s about recognizing when you are no longer conscious, and gently lovingly push yourself back to the light, but reminding yourself “Now is that moment”.

When I hear the “mental fog” and things that I think I remember what they mean, but don’t quite “feel” them- let that be an alert. a wake up call. Let that be the perfect time to remember that “now is that moment” to go meditate, to connect with my own consciousness. Love yourself enough to wake yourself up.

Hermit is not about being left alone, or being able to relax, or being able to get away from it all. It’s about taking the time to plug in to your own consciousness, to access where on your path you are. Are you lucid? Are you straying? Hermit is the loving and gentle reminder that you need a re connection with meditation of being “present”. Not a spirit guide, or a lucid dream, or astral projection.. but “NOW” moment. Being aware of your body, being aware of your soul in your mind, being aware of the spiritual being that resides in your body and in your mind. Allow that spiritual being show you the way, light your path and direct you to the higher good. Follow it’s call, this is your judgement. Go with that energy.

Love and light!

Yulia

Enjoying joy and how to find it. Feeling emotions and present moment.

I love technology, but hate it at the same time. It is convenient and comfortable, yet it has a giant sideeffect: it takes us out of the present moment. We are not present with all of our senses in the moment where we exist. This minute just went by with you (me, all of us) holding the cell phone in our  hands, walking along with our face buried in it. You aren’t present in your surroundings,you choose to be present in an alternate reality of “phone world of Facebook and instagram”, or choosing to be present in the moment of a life of some stranger like a celebrity that just had a child. You are living someone else’s moments, because you are choosing to not be present within. After a while, this feeling becomes so comfortable that we choose to always be somewhere elese. We check out even in social moments with our loved once by diving into the present (thinking of today’s conversations) or looking ahead (oh I have to do this tomorrow, or I’m dreading that meeting). We ae so used and comfortable being somewhere else that we just change, we become distant, we become annoyed without the access to other reality. We don’t count the present moment. Right here. Right now. Feel yourself present through your body. Take your attention to your feet-what are they doing? Are they comfortable curled up under you like this? Are your legs crossed? Feel them. Feel your behind on the chair or a bed, feel it’s softness or hardness. Feel the muscles in your face, is your forehead crunched up? Right now, take the time to feel your body. Once you are done and are aware look around you. Mentally f eel each item in the room, become aware of its presence. If you have a pet in the room, tap into them-feel their presence, feel their love for you, their joy. Right now,here. Once you are comfrtable with this start doing that with people you love.feel your child’s joy. Feel your child’s sadness. Once you feel you will connect, you will understand them better and what they need from you. Or how you can help them feel and understand their feelings.

More and more you do it, you will see the things that feelgood and things thatdont.you will know when you will benefit from tapping into your present moment. Great tool to improve your daily life. Our society and lifestyle prevents us and our future generations from learning how to just with yourself.our ancestors had plenty of time to be with themselves in the present moment. Their values show us that. We can learn a lot from looking at our ancestors as we people, rather than ancient and not advanced. They were very advanced in the art of self observation. Then something changed.this change came before age of t3chnology, but didn’t affect as many. Once technology became accessible to everyone, we can observe the shift in global consciousness. I think many of us are becoming aware of something being off, but can’t quite identify it.we can’t quite put our fingers on it long enough to remember. Many of us want to wake up, but find it difficult. Truth is, we must learn how to make that change. Our future literally depends on it. We have forgotten what it means to not be a society, what it means to live for ourselves. Not in a selfish manner, but rather we live in cities where the pace of life is insane and we expect ourselves to keep up with it. You remember those peaceful farmers who lived and enjoyed life, until some duke or prince came along and said this is my land now, and you will work for me. But I’m off topic here, I have no political agenda, I just look at the situation from a big picture.

Choose to find the joy in your life. Feel your present moment and remember that all you have is now. Tomorrow is not promised, but don’t be scared of it. Just feel the now. You can pay attention to the scary things in your life or to the good ones. Somehow the good ones always get taken from granted. You don’t benefit from that. Recognize and acknowledge the good in your life. You have a roof over your head? Feel how grateful  you are to be protected from the weather. Instead of “I wish I had 2 bathrooms”. You exist in a reality where thesee two facts are equal in their reality, but you have a choice in what you notice. Which one serves you the most? Certainly not a useless wish. A fact that you are comfortable has more weight in their service to you.

Every detail in your life has the gratitude factor. Find it. Remember it. Feel it often. Tremendous tool in improving your life without physically having to make a change. When you feel grouchy, or frustrated but want to feel better and don’t want to be down: Ackwnoldge your feelings of frustration and sayyes, I feelyou, I respect that you exist, but I can’t dwell on you and wallow in you. I’m going to go wallow in something good because I want to feel better. And go through your gratitude list: appreciate your family members, your friends, your pets, your self, your plants, your house. You are showering not only self with that love, but them also.they will feel it. Howver, I should  clarify that forcing yourself to feel better because “you should” is just wrong. Stay present with your emotion, allow it to feel heard. You will know when you are ready to move on withit. If right now is not the time to feel frustrated (social event, or work) you can say, yes I feel you frustration, and I will give you my time, but right now until 5pm I need to be functional. I am not dismissing you,I’m postponing our encounter. And then do as promised, make time to sit with that feeling, it needs to be processed.

 

But if you learn how to see gratitude through its truest, honest perception your life will drastically improve. You just have to be prepared for that change and have it be something you are welcoming. There are a great deal of people who say they want a better life, but expect life to change on its own, without them doing anything about it. They expect to be handed something great, while they sit there and pout about what they already have. How can you appreciate something new and good, if you don’t know know how to see something good in what you already have? Teach yourself and then you will just encounter things that bring you joy, because you will know how to see it.

 

Love and light!

End of day 2 thoughts

No real present moments today, but its not a complete loss. I’m staying aware of my actions, looking back and thinking. I’m aiming. I have a goal. I know what I’m working towards. Beginnings aren’t always perfect, and that is completely fine. Best I can do is tell myself thank you for trying, thank you for keeping up the effort, thank you for having a goal for something better for myself.

Honestly, I don’t think I even meditated for 5 minutes today, I think I got 2 minutes in and that’s it. My goal of meditating before beginning my “nap time” projects didn’t happen. I got swept away with a siren of “rush, rush, hurry, don’t run out of time” right after I got off the blog, so I went straight to work. I can look back on the day and compliment myself of having a good conversation with that vendor, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t demand or plead.. I just went right after the facts and explained what I can pay and the rest will need to wait till end of the month. That was refreshing and a big weight off my shoulders. Next, tomorrow I have to call my health insurance company and tell them they have to wait to get my premium for this month.. thats another trigger- another uncomfortable conversation. Well, nothing I can do about this right now, so I may as well enjoy my evening.

I think it will be beneficial to go relax with something inspiring from Gaia Tv. …. well, actually, I need to check back with myself on a few questions before I can call this evening of reflection complete. What am I grateful for today? I’m grateful for my husband, my son, my step son, my mother, my father, my support system to sum it up. I’m grateful for a warm and comfortable house I get to call home. I’m grateful for the incredible place where I live that provides such a magnificent variety of nature. I’m grateful for modern technologies of dishwasher and washer/dryer… *.. putting a note for further elaboration on modern conveniences that allow our life to run the speed of light. I’m grateful for the loud, happy, spring-loving, swamp-adoring frogs that fill the air with their calls every morning and evening. I love listening to them. This is when I miss smoking cigarettes, because that got me outside and gave me a reason to be there for 5 minutes. I could just go walk outside right now and stand there to listen to them, but I don’t think I’ve grown to that comfort level yet.. as strange as that sounds. I hope that with time, I will understand where this discomfort stems from and I’ll be comfortable doing some things that I enjoy.

Did I accomplish my goal for today? Yes. I accomplished my small goal of remembering. That’s all I ask of myself for now. I got my tasks done (errands, work, household stuff).
What will I do differently tomorrow? I hope I will make the time to meditate. I really want to have 10 minutes somewhere in my day dedicated to unobstructed and uninterrupted meditation. I will meditate before I go to bed. Tomorrow will be a different kind of a day, because I will spend the whole day on the road pretty much. Joys of living in a small town, have to drive a while to go see a quality dentist for my toddler. However, that drive is absolutely gorgeous, so I don’t mind at all. So I will need to find a different means to checking in with myself about how I’m doing and if I’m staying present.

In what areas did I feel connected today? I felt in touch with family and friends, work, reflection. The remainder of the choices that didn’t make today’s list are: Learning, Nature, Goals, Fun, Health. I’m content with the meaningful connections made today.

My goal reminder is to observe myself without judgement. I’ve lost patience, I felt the urge to give in to anger and frustration, I felt the urge to just wallow in my own pity and not do much. I gave in a bit to anger and frustration, but these feelings don’t feel very good anymore, so I quickly snap myself out of them. It’s the initial plunge that I can’t quiet grasp yet. But it is work in progress. Wallowing in my own pity (overwhelmed) is a big trigger for me. This is where my spiral starts and it doesn’t fail me because it keeps feeding me a myriad of different reasons why I’m so tired, why I should relax, why I should be lazy, why I should be angry, why I should be grouchy, why I should go to bed early, why I should not work today…. why why why why why.. it never ends. It gets me so far and so deep I can’t see the light of day. It consumes me. It’s so easy to give in to that first temptation: I’ve done so well, I deserve a night off! No. It’s not that I don’t deserve a night off. It’s that Im doing it for the wrong reason. I should never need a night off from myself. I need to make time for myself always- this is where my mind takes over and blurs the difference. A night off from myself- involves rushing through everything in the evening, leaving the dishes half way done (or something unfinished in the kitchen), dismisses taking vitamins or even brushing my teeth, my husband wouldn’t “get any” because “this is my evening, and I don’t want to”,  all with one goal to get to bed and watch YouTube videos on something interesting (Akashic records, Emerald tablets, or basically anything by Spirit Science). A night for myself would involve spending quality time checking in with myself about my state of mind, taking care of all my responsibilities and having a good evening with my husband whether that means an adult evening, or just cracking jokes back and forth while we discuss our days. It means being present. It means appreciating the every day things, the every day moments.

Looking back, I can always tell when I fall of into the deep end and start sinking. My mind gives me the subtle signals that I’ve talked about before, this one is when I feel like I need to do something for myself: get my nails done, or go get a new shirt or get a massage. The never-ending feeling of guilt that goes along with that desire, the never-ending feeling that I have to justify why I’m doing it… Truth is, when I am doing okay and checking in with myself I never feel guilty about doing something like that for myself. A girl deserves to feel pretty when there are funds available for this splurging. This needs no justification. My higher self and my ego go to battle when I am “unaware, unplugged in, unconscious”- my higher self is sending me signals, which my ego promptly turns into guilt and conotates that guilt with reasons for justification. I try to justify myself away, when in reality I just need to remove myself from the situation (in my mind) and look at the situation objectively. If I did that, I would see that the reason I feel guilty is because I have already been so self-consumed and focus inward that it would be over the top if I gave myself permission to spend money on myself, as a means of “finally doing something for myself”. I need to remember this, should I fall off the consciousness wagon again and go down this dark and sadly familiar path of unconsciousness, that this feeling is a reminder that I’m not really present. This should serve as a trigger to access the situation and take the steps necessary to stay present and keep myself accountable.

Whew. Now I feel a little better. Off to clean the kitchen and then to watch Gaia since Hubs is working anyway. 🙂

 

Love and light!

Good morning day 2

My higher self is still asleep. I can always tell a difference when “she” wakes up with me, or shows up a bit delayed. That first 20 minutes of the morning that I walk around as a zombie I notice I don’t have any thoughts in my head yet, rather than simple reactions like “oh man, that’s cold out here”, “cant wait to have my cup of coffee”, “why is the shower so wet!”, “brrrrr”.. there is no I got to do this, or think about this or that. So today I tried to use that window of time as a chance to connect with my higher self and set my intentions. So this morning instead of standing in the shower silently, forcing myself to wake up, I chose to tell my self that “I AM full of energy, I AM awake, I am positivily charged, I AM happy, I AM present” and a whole bunch of other feel good I ams. I suppose they are called affirmations. I never really felt the energy behind affirmations, it was more of a thought “I guess if I say this enough, somewhere in brain this will register and start working”. Well, today I experienced what they are really meant to do. You say one phrase and then you feel it. Literally feel it. Embody it. Embrace it, accept it, believe it. It’s much easier to do when you mind is blank when you first wake up. That was very nice and refreshing.

I can’t seem to focus this morning on how i Feel and setting my intentions now that I’m behind my computer. I suppose this is because I still feel self-conscious about writing a blog about this.. to me it’s more of a journal to keep myself accountable.

On that note, I am going to say that I intend to have a bright day, unburdened by financial stresses, I’m going to focus on the positive and enjoy the day. As I’m typing this I feel that I already lost a small battle: I just got a v-mail from one of the vendors we work with and they want a payment on their account and I don’t have money to give to them at this time. Confronting myself with the fact that it stresses me out… where does this issue come from? What exactly am I concerned about? I need to have faith, because i know this issue will resolve. however, what am I to do at this point in time? What do I tell them? It’s the conversation that I’m dreading, not the fact that there is no money today to pay them.Talking to people about uncomfortable subjects is the stressor. Having to explain myself? I don’t think I need to do that. They only care about collecting the money, they don’t care about the story. So maybe if I ask what amount they will be satisfied with and see what I can do about that?

Now my son is pulling me off the computer chair to play a game with him, however my mind is so far away that I wonder how I’ll be able to be present. What do I do in the immediate situation where I know I’m not here, but want to be here? Simply switching tasks doesn’t work- my mind is still somewhere far away, thinking a million thoughts a minute, thriving on streess, thriving on the energy I give it by worrying.. its only going to get faster and crazier unless I figure out how to reel it back in. Fighting with it is pointless, that only creates frustration.. Observe.. just observe… center yourself, pull yourself back in, here in the room, behind the computer desk, feeling the cold desk underneath by elbows, the hard keys on the keyboard.. grasp at reality, sound it out, feel it.. bring myself back in. Ok, off I go to play with my son.

 

Love and joy!DSC_0343

End of day 1 report

At the end of the day I have no more “consciousness” left in me, my ego wins and it wins hard. I’m exhausted, impatient and all I want is me time.  I want to be pampered and be taken care of. I don’t want to listen to my toddler’s pleads for yet another glass of water that he isn’t going to want as soon as I give it to him. I’m tired of having to sweep the floor for the 10th time today because something else got spilled on it. In here, where is there room for consciousness, for patience, and understanding?? Where does it come from? Where is it born? I can’t “watch and observe” these feelings of tiredness, annoyance, exhaustion, frustration- they are overwhelming and there are too many of them all at once. May be if I was by myself and experiencing all of these emotions, may be I could “observe” them away. But with a toddler who is constantly doing something he isn’t suppose to, I can’t even get a minute to just stop. Just stop and tell myself its going to be okay. To take a deep breath. To say its the end of the evening, its normal to feel tired and not want to enjoy every moment.

I feel discouraged and a little defeated right now. I’m even going to admit that I let my son just sit in the tub with no toys (he didn’t seem to care all that much) because I didn’t want to be squirted with water (joyous opportunity missed?? whatever! That’s how I feel right now). The bath time was cut short, and I didn’t particularly enjoy reading the books. My teeth hurt, I’m tired and I just now realize I haven’t eaten much except 3 (seriously?? when and how did I eat 3??) pretzels with laughing cow cheese on them- not healthy. Attempting to reserve my judgement of myself.. Attempting…attempting.. yeah, no judging this one.
Looking back on all of this, I think I’m understanding that I checked out at some point in time BEFORE all of this started overwhelming me. This is how my ego tricks me into thinking “I don’t have the energy for all this consciousness stuff!”.. when really, I don’t have the energy to not be aware. In other words, if I just took it one emotion at a time, recognizing when it “hit me”, I would be able to manage through this whirlwind of chaos. Not at first, and not everytime. Perhaps something that I could do differently tomorrow is have an extra check in in the mid-afternoon, just to assess myself and my state of awareness. It might help me be ready to deal with the evening.

Now, its 8pm, I still have to work tonight, which is fine, but I’m also stressing out about what I’m going to make for dinner tomorrow… Ergh, tough life of a vegetarian (me), a 2 year old, a “meat and potatoes ala gourmet” (husband), and on Tuesdays and Thursdays homey and nutritious meals for a 12 year old (step son).

ON that note, I’m going to go and attempt to find joy in the moment.

Love and lights out!

So far so good…i guess?

This morning was a success, I think. I can’t account that I felt immensely present at any one particular moment, but I wasn’t absent. I was hovering somewhere in between, which is a great step between two distant shores.

My son is napping, I attempted something close to a meditation but got impatient and instead of watching the thought of impatience, I gave in to my habit. My Ego knows that it has its best chances of hijacking me back if it stresses a “to-do” that has been forgotten about. IT yells in my head “do this NOW before you forget again!!!” and I get panicked and plunge into taking care of this thing, rather than acknowledging it and letting it go. I must recognize this as a pattern, as a “trigger”. Identifying triggers that sling shot me back in to unconsciousness and absenteeism is a great step. Once I’m able to recognize them for what they are, they will be easier to watch and allow them to go by rather than “board that thought, and depart on the train to unconsciousness”.

How do I comfort myself knowing that what I’m remembering is important, and I may not remember it when I am done meditating, and without hurrying my meditation along? Perhaps finding peace in the fact that I remembered once, and I will remember again. Nothing is truly so urgent that I remember, because something so pertinent doesn’t get forgotten. And if it can wait, it should wait, until I’m done with me time. On that thought I’m going to give meditation another chance. After I meditate, I intend to organize some of my work projects and think about dinner menus for the week.

 

Love and joy!

First entry: ego vs. consciousness

Well, may be being able to type on the computer would make it easier for me to stay motivated. Because it’s sure tough to find the time to write in a nice cute journal: my hand gets tired, and I have a two year old who is determined to help me write scribbles in there. So this morning’s agenda is to begin a conscious life. I started it in January, and I actually did pretty well, I could tell the difference, it expanded my consciousness.. however sometime mid February I fell off the band wagon and it was all bad from there. Today I’m making the choice to start again. Not giving up is the whole point, right? Improving your life one day at at time.

So what does it exactly entail? Improving my life? Well the path I’m choosing means being more present every day. Of course I hope to find joy and be present in every single moment of my life, but that is not possible and setting impossible goals is counterproductive. So I’m starting small:

How about I’ll just set the objective of being present today. I will check in with my self every so often through out the day and see how I’m doing. Am I aware of this moment? Do I hold any judgement? Do I hold any resentments, or “should haves”? If so, I will find a few minutes to observe myself, without judgement.

I looked over my journal that I kept in January, and the magic combination of words that helped me make the most progress was “Observe yourself, do not judge”. I was hiding from myself, not admitting my own “faults”- like I spend way too much time on my phone and glued to Facebook. Why? Trying to escape the present moment. But why? It’s too boring? Have I tried looking at the positive aspects of each moment to truly understand if it’s boring or if i just perceive it as such. My biggest fault is being absent with my son. He is taken care of, fed and all that good stuff. But I am only able to take joy in him after he goes to bed, and I start missing him. What gives? Why can’t I enjoy him while he is awake, laughing, asking me to read books with him, or play cars? This is what life is all about, sharing the moments of joy with others. Why am I trying to escape it? When the moment of absenteeism is observed, I remove myself from the situation and observe the facts in it- what is it that is happening right now? I often see that I just want sometime for myself. Sometimes that’s of course perfectly permissible and very needed. However on every day basis I shouldn’t need time for myself all the time. So what ends up happening is that every time I go to do something I’m just wishing in my head “oh Lets get through this and then I’ll be able to relax”. My ego is making me skip this moment, it’s priming my brain to let go of the present moment and to live in the future. Recognizing this is key. Once you see yourself doing this, you can consciously stop and tell yourself I’m enjoying this moment, I love spending time with my 2 year old, even if he is acting like a hurricane right now. Noticing when the ego and old habits start hijacking your heart, and push you to live in the past or the future is key to making new habits.

Every morning I aim to wake up at either 5am or 6am with the sole intention of making the most of my time. I’m most productive and clear headed when I start my day with a shower, getting dressed not in a hurry, but intentionally planning my clothes, taking 10 minutes to do my make up so I feel good about myself. It allows me a chance to be present with myself. This gets me to a more conscious state of mind for the remainder of the day. I don’t always succeed, in fact I only succeed little by little. But if I am able to get a little more of myself back every day, its a journey well worth taking.  What happens is that there will be a day when I don’t get up on time, and my whole day gets jumbled. My immediate intention is to just give up on the whole day and give myself permission to be grouchy. The conscious intention is to observe myself while I make this decision and decide that I’m going to have a great day from this point on. The whole day doesn’t need to go to waste just because I didn’t start it a certain way.

Joy must be found in every moment, regardless if things went as planned or didn’t. That does not mean forcing yourself to feel joy when you are angry or anything stupid and out of context as such. It simply means that I want to make the choice to focus on the positive, and make that my habit, rather than automatically going to the negative and projecting the negativity on the rest of my day.

 

So today, Monday, April 4th – I set the intention of being present and finding joy in the moment.

I intend to not be distracted or overwhelmed by the day’s plan. Instead I intend to observe my emotions and reactions. I intend to recognize them and check in with myself about them.

I also intend to set aside 10 minutes, during my son’s nap, to meditate. What do I mean by meditate? I mean that I will sit down, and observe the thoughts that come to my mind. I will notice at what speed my brain is working, but I will not engage in it. I give my self only 10 minutes because I don’t want to get overwhelmed with my own intention, or put myself in a box. I’m aware of my own tendencies to make things more complicated, aka absolutely perfect, so I will consciously make a choice to allow myself small steps and room for mistakes.

A quote I want to ponder about today is “Today is a new day”. Yes, it is! It is a new chance at life, it is a new beginning. So today I start fresh, unburdened by my previous “failures”. I fell off the band wagon of checking in with myself, lying to myself that I was still doing good. I forgive myself and its okay. Today I choose to get back up and start on my journey again.

Ego vs. consciousness: my ego rules my everyday life, and I have quite the ego. I’m an only child, I have often been called selfish, focused inwards, uncaring. Those words have always hurt a lot, because I have never seen myself as such. However, that’s what expanding consciousness means- I will allow my perception to expand out far enough to understand these concepts and view myself as such. After all, it is perfect disguise for them to exist if I’m unaware of these traits. Now I see and recognize (most of the time) these qualities in me. I tend to focus on me a lot, how I feel, what I think… its so ingrained in my head that I just automatically assume that I know what people mean to say, instead of listening to what the words mean, I focus on how the words make me feel. This train of thought is my enemy, it is damaging and hurtful to relationships. I’m an empath, so it also doesn’t make ti easier for me to switch to consciousness and focus on what the words mean. I’m programmed from childhood by only child syndrome and empath abilities to FEEL, and FEEL everything. It’s a great quality, but only if you are aware of what these feelings really mean. Focusing on how they make ME feel is only 1/2 step; now it’s time to walk the other 1/2 step and recognize what these feeling represent and the message they carry. My ego tricks me so well when it comes to this “battle”- that sometimes I think I’m still being conscious about the situation, and in reality it is my ego posing as consciousness. That has got to be the most frustrating part! This is exactly how I fell off my band wagon in mid-February, my ego was telling me that I was still doing great, focusing and being present. In reality, I was dissociating and sliding further and further down the drain.

My heart was subtly telling myself that I wasn’t where I needed to be, but my ego has disguised itself so well that I couldn’t see what was wrong even upon examination in the moment. Example: I started getting back on my phone all the time, instead of doing something productive, or being present, I’d check out into the world of Facebook. About 5-10 minutes in, I’d get this “message” from myself “Hey, you have been on the phone for a while now, may be you should put it down and go do something instead”, which immediately followed by “Its okay, I’m tired and I’m taking a break. I haven’t been on here in a while, and there are lot of interesting articles. Look I’m clicking on an article about spirituality and here is this marvelous quote “Stay connected to the vision of your desired life”. I’m connected, I’m aware that I want to stay connected. How do I know? I’m reading this article, aren’t I?” My ego disguises it self so perfectly well, that it convinces me that I’m doing well. Only in the true reflection at the end of the day I’m able to see what took place. And if I don’t make time for a daily reflection… well.. that I go on thinking I’m still doing great, and I don’t need to reflect and further and further I slip… Developing a check in point system for myself to contemplate and understand and observe my behavior is my key to expanding my consciousness at this moment in my life.

I had a reiki session done a while back and I asked my higher self to give me a guidance on what I should be doing or what my calling is. I received a very clear message that I needed to find my balance (being grounded and being aware), and that all the answers are within me and to stop looking else where. So while I understood what the message meant and what I really should be doing with it: making time to meditate daily, and reflect every day on my activities…. instead…. I went on with my life, thinking all sort of egotistical thoughts. I kept listening to all sorts of spiritual articles, blogs, podcasts, reading books on developing phsychic abilities. Which by themselves are all fine.. but it wasn’t what I needed to do at this point in my journey. It is truly amazing the beautiful omens (synchronicities if you will) that come my way once i get back on my path. I won’t get in to this now, but it is another way that I “know” (but not aware!!) if I’m on my true path or not.

All of this writing just poured out, it’s not planned, it’s not organized, it just is. And I’m okay with that. My ego wants to me go read about automatic writing, but I’m aware that is not what I need to focus on at this point. I will keep writing because it is healthy and helpful for myself, not because it might be a higher self speaking.

Have a beautiful and joyful day!

Love!