Back to connection

Even at the best of times, when I think I’m most connected to my higher self and my consciousness, I get lost. I lose my way all the time, multiple times a day.. sometimes I become aware of it, sometimes I don’t and continue operating under the understanding that I’m connected. I still think I understand what’s going on, that I’m in control and I’m aware, that I’m doing everything in the highest good. Until I have that one wake up call, that I really haven’t been paying attention, thta I am walking around, more like stumbling, with my eyes closed and not interacting with daily life. That I’ve become closed off and unperceptive, that I’ve shut down. However, my mind is so great at masking this from me that I slip in unconsciousness completely unaware that I’m not longer lucid. It’s like losing track of yourself in the lucid dream, somehow you unnoticeably become part of the dream and no longer in charge of it. Life is like a dream, it’s pliable and willing if you are lucid, and it’s dense and muddy when you are not.

Last night’s tarot reading and today’s meditation brought me back to lucidity. My reading was extremely powerful and jolting to opening my eyes again, and taking a deep breath. My Judgement call came. This is it. This is my last opportunity, next time I slip away for a long time, I won’t come out. The calling energy is here, you either get on board or you don’t. This is the last opportunity. I must do all possible to stay lucid, to stay aware. So focus becomes on how to stay lucid, how to stay conscious and aware of my life. Staying grounded and staying connected, while still having to participate in daily activities of unconscious mind- as they still must be managed. Self care, in the most simplest form- early up, exercise, conscious presence in all decision, slow down, take time to be grounded, to meditate. When tarot cards start popping up and I’m looking at them with “big blank eyes” – I have no clue what you are saying to me- I’m not 5 of cups, or I’m not 4 of cups, or 7 of wands, or even 3 of swords- this is the biggest clue that yes, you are. You have slipped off, you are unconscious and the cards are mirroring it back to you. Denial will get you in trouble, you will further slip away. There is a part of you that must recognize the situation for what it truly is- looking at things you don’t want to look at, becoming interactive with all aspects of your life. Are you going from day to day “waiting for Friday” so you can do nothing productive, so you can “relax”, so you can “please” yourself with Netflix and ice cream. or will you do something worthwhile- like take the time to meditate, take the time to write and reflect. Keep up on the consciousness, checking back with yourself about being awake, getting feedback from yourself- sending yourself signals and responding to them- are both parts of your brain participating, are you aware, are you conscious. When you don’t want to do that- that’s one part taking over the other- your mind is allowing you to fall asleep and has deployed it’s tricks. “Ah, I’ll meditate tomorrow. Or, ergh, I don’t want to balance my bank account today, I’ll worry about it Monday”. This right there- should be your wake up call. This should click in your mind and turn on the defense questions: Wait. Why am I procrastinating again? Am I fully conscious?

Self pity is a slippery slope of the unconscious. Its a quick slide, it’s a quick ride to the bottom of fully unconscious. The victim mentality. “But I’ve worked so hard, I’ve cleaned the whole house today, I’ve taken care of everyone else today, I need downtime. I need to just “veg” on the couch and chill. There is nothing wrong with watching one movie before bed.” I’m at a point where this exactly gets me in trouble. One night turns into the next, and next and next… and after that I’m out like a light. No longer aware, slipped into “victim mentality” of I’m so tired, I’m so exhausted, life is hard, I don’t want to do this anymore, I wasn’t meant to just clean the house, feed my family and pay bills. I’m a spiritual being, I need time for me to read my cards… This is my slippery slope! It’s so eerily similar to the reality that I’m a spiritual being, that I’m more than a housewife and business owner. But the approach to this must be different! Looking at this resentfully, looking at this annoyed and ungrateful (looking at the murky sun from the bottom of the lake, through the water)- doesn’t paint a good picture. But reversing the role, by giving myself time to be conscious, to be up at 4am- not because it’s the right things to do, but because it feels good to be up with Earth and Sun, on their cycles, is empowering. It’s uplifting. I’m taking the time to remember my place in Universe, to take life by the horns and take charge of my consciousness.

My theme card was Chariot. Taking charge, taking control, being willful, being powerful and aware, lucid, the driver- the direction giver, the navigator of consciousness. Taking charge of the situation, rather being unconsciously drag by the situation whichever way it takes you.

My issue is unplugging from life and being irresponsible with my finances. Instead of allowing money to run my life, I need to make the money work for me. Making wise choices, making wise purchases- not cheap, not save a penny here or there- but in general being more conscious of what bills I actually have, how much interest is going somewhere, what useless crap do I tend to buy (aka coffee and take out). Its not about spending $10 for a dance class, it’s about the bigger picture- am I in control of my finances. Does the money serve me? or do I serve it? Its easier to roll over and let it take over. But its worth it to get on it, and ride it.

I struggle remembering how to best connect with my consciousness. I begin to substitute my spirituality with watching Gaia TV, or listening to other’s spiritual wisdom. It will not replace me experiencing it. I can’t experience their wisdom, because it’s not mine. It may make a lot of sense. But the best way is to do it. TO take the time to meditate. To take the time to write and reflect. Not for Ego’s sake (oh I’m so wise.. I have so much knowledge), but for myself, I’m not out to teach anyone anything, but to live my life the best way I know how. My ego needs to settle down. I’m aware of when it starts to get cocky, so that’s a plus. I get too worried about what others will think of my musings, rather than just doing this for myself. I try to make things too official- Let go of the concept that I have to fit it in any sort of a box, it is what it is. Any beginning is a beginning, it doesn’t need to be a perfect one. It doesn’t need to be beautiful and decorated. This is my story and I choose to write it however it serves me best.

My cards showed me the importance of not being lost in Ego land, the land of instant gratification, the wishful thinking, how important to just recognize that all prior mistakes are just water under the bridge, and I must move on. 7 of cups and 5 of cups reversed – their message is to stop dreaming, stop pouting, but pick up the full cups and move on. Cross that bridge, make that commitment and keep walking. Quit coming back to mourn your 5 cups. Live in the present moment. Let it be your departure point into the future, rather than living the past moment, allowing it to define your future.

What do I have to do to stay conscious?

Be on the look out for victim mentality. It’s not enough to just recognize that I’m thinking that way again. It’s necessary to remember that I can’t live in “tomorrow I’ll do better”. The saying “Now is the only time” must be felt and embodied. That means right now, right here I make the choice to be conscious. I’m aware of my actions, I’m aware of the bigger picture of why I’m doing the things I’m doing. I’m aware that I’m not a victim, that I’m doing this for myself, to better myself. By reminding myself that now is my time, I’m pushing myself towards my life path, towards the light. Take the time to remember that each day is the “Now” what I do “now” determines my future path. It is not about “oh I messed up, this will screw me up, I’m so bad..blah blah blah”. It’s about recognizing when you are no longer conscious, and gently lovingly push yourself back to the light, but reminding yourself “Now is that moment”.

When I hear the “mental fog” and things that I think I remember what they mean, but don’t quite “feel” them- let that be an alert. a wake up call. Let that be the perfect time to remember that “now is that moment” to go meditate, to connect with my own consciousness. Love yourself enough to wake yourself up.

Hermit is not about being left alone, or being able to relax, or being able to get away from it all. It’s about taking the time to plug in to your own consciousness, to access where on your path you are. Are you lucid? Are you straying? Hermit is the loving and gentle reminder that you need a re connection with meditation of being “present”. Not a spirit guide, or a lucid dream, or astral projection.. but “NOW” moment. Being aware of your body, being aware of your soul in your mind, being aware of the spiritual being that resides in your body and in your mind. Allow that spiritual being show you the way, light your path and direct you to the higher good. Follow it’s call, this is your judgement. Go with that energy.

Love and light!

Yulia

Making decisions from the heart. Say no to boring.

I was thinking today how many people live their lives making “safe and smart” decisions because they have been taught their whole lives to play it safe. That they can never truly let go and enjoy something. For example, if you really want an orange car but the white one will have a better resale value, you are taught and pressured to make the smart choice and go with the white car. Ok, great, you saved yourself $300- $500 sometime in the future. How does this serve you now? Are you going to experience joy when you look at your new car? Or will you have regret and quietly think and wish it was orange? 

Or paint your house walls red? The reasonable boring adult will tell you that red is a bad choice because it will be difficult to repaint to white again. It’s true. But. In the mean time you are planning to live here so you deserve to have whichever color walls make you happy. You will deal with the repainting later because it’s really not that big of a deal, and having a homey and happy place to live is worth that future “sacrifice”. 

Which serves you most in the now? We as society are programmed to think and care for the future to a degree that it’s robbing us of a joyful present. There is a balance to be found, because giving into every whim isn’t reasonable either, but I get the impression that our scales are far tipped into another direction. You can’t go on living your life playing it safe and wise the whole time. Make that choice, go with your heart, experience joy from your decision and let go of social/family pressure to make the “adult” decision. Adult does not have to equal boring or plain. But clearly, the definition of adult somehow seems to imply those words as well. 

So go with your heart, allow yourself to be happy, and live in the moment while still being aware of your decisions affecting the future. This balance isn’t that difficult to find.