Day 3?

Yesterday was spent on the road completely so I didn’t get a chance to sit down and type anything, and I can completely tell how uncentered I am. I can’t even see when my thoughts come to me and when they go, they just appear and I’m so out of touch with the present moment that I can’t tell when it happens. The thoughts were not catch-able, they are so fast fleeting, it was so discouraging last night when I tried to meditate. Another something interesting I noticed last night during meditation was that I can’t bring awareness to my lower body.. HWne I lay in bed I can feel the pressure on certain points of my body from laying on the mattress, but I can’t seem to bring my awareness below my hips, my mind has put up a road block  and I last night I couldn’t even observe it away. My leg muscles were so tight and tensed after a whole day in the vehicle, and I wanted to relax them so bad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I kept waiting for that moment of relief. In theory I understand what I was doing wrong, which is giving that thought the time to dwell in my brain, but whenever I brought awareness to my body, my mind was throwing images at me at the speed of light. I suppose somehow i must have been in the state of resistance. I also felt like I couldn’t bring myself back to “center”, I felt that I was really off to the right off myself, if that even makes sense. It does to me, Like I”m here, I’m close, but I’m not in the center and I can’t “jump” myself in the center of myself.

I also feel this way today, I’m not centered and I’m trying to observe it.. what a strange feeling this is! I see myself typing, and I obviously see through my eyes, but when I try to bring awareness to center, I am not there, I’m off to the side.

I tried to set intentions this morning when I got up and was taking a shower, since my mind felt blank.. but every time I tried to focus on an intention my mind started screaming, literally- by throwing random images in to my thoughts, not even any that made sense. Like it was so desperate to keep the present moment away that it couldn’t even think fast enough first thing in the morning to give me something coherent to think about. They were literally blurbs of information in an attempt to distract me, like hedgehogs, towels, trains, dirty floor, trash day, stars, Paris, I mean just anything. I suppose because I don’t feel centered I can’t observe those thoughts. I’d say one intention, and feel myself in split milisecond shift into my body, gain the perspective from the center just to lose that feeling almost immediately. I suppose the best thing would be to just observe that feeling as it happens? I feel myself setting expectations that it will happen and I’m waiting for the observation moment. This must be my mind trying to control myself and create the illusion of meditation and present moment to throw me off track. What a tricky frustrating discovery. Argh. Even as I’m typing this, I’m typing this from the “side”…

My higherself, I really need help with this. I see it happening, but I feel powerless over this. I want to have a day of presence, awareness and self-accountability. I don’t want a day inthe side lines. I close my eyes, I center myself on my breath, a few seconds go by and my mind starts up “this isn’t going to work, just stop it, you are frustrating yourself, see you still can’t bring awareness to any part of your body because you start thinking “what do I feel????”, instead of being able to observe that area and space.

I turned on binurial beats and brought awareness to different areas of my body, It is interesting how certain areas are off limits, like I can’t be aware of my knees or my shoulders.. I experience resistance when I bring awareness to my right leg, it is so tensed up and the desperation feeling of release is overwhelming. I place expectations, I long for that feeling of release and objectively looking I understand that this is what is hindering the awareness. Somehow i just can’t quite catch those thoughts and feelings as they come to me, I can’t “poke” it and see it to be able to say “I’m aware of you”. I can’t hold my focus on a certain place or even my breath for a few seconds, it jumps all over the place. If my brain was ever a monkey, today is the day. It is telling me to give up, I won’t succeed. I feel so rushed along, as I keep looking over at the clock, it’s telling me to quit this and go to work as my son will wake up soon.

There are days when I don’t know how to just observe. Why do I forget that simple instruction? How does that happen? May be that is why yoga is good? you can be mindful while experiencing a stretch or pull on a specific muscle? I don’t know how to “yoga” correctly.. I’ve done it, and enjoyed it, but I can honestly that I enjoyed only the first few classes, after that my mind “tuned out” of it and I kept watching the clock.. whats up with that?

However, I do still intend to have a day of awareness of my thoughts and actions and feelings. Observe myself without judgement. Let go of that resistance. Maybe I’m just not advanced enough yet to be aware of my body completely, and it will come with practice. Is this the time when I bite off more than I can chew and then get frustrated when things don’t happen as they”should”?? My mind has placed the “should have and this should be this way” expectations and truth be told.. i just need to observe the “shoulds”. Its not that they don’t belong, its not that they do, its just that they ARE and I need to become aware of them. That’s what it is… wow. profound little discovery. It’s interesting how with certain emotions I can’t be “aware” of them, I unknowingly and unconsciously judge them. The feeling of desperation..just watch it, that’s all. My mind is tricking me into analyzing it, why it’s there .. but that doesnt matter. It just is. I observe it. I observe my expectations for physical relief of my muscles…. My brain is screaming images again.. What is the difference between awareness in a certain part of the body and focusing on it?


Love and light and joy!

May the day be amazing!


End of day 2 thoughts

No real present moments today, but its not a complete loss. I’m staying aware of my actions, looking back and thinking. I’m aiming. I have a goal. I know what I’m working towards. Beginnings aren’t always perfect, and that is completely fine. Best I can do is tell myself thank you for trying, thank you for keeping up the effort, thank you for having a goal for something better for myself.

Honestly, I don’t think I even meditated for 5 minutes today, I think I got 2 minutes in and that’s it. My goal of meditating before beginning my “nap time” projects didn’t happen. I got swept away with a siren of “rush, rush, hurry, don’t run out of time” right after I got off the blog, so I went straight to work. I can look back on the day and compliment myself of having a good conversation with that vendor, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t demand or plead.. I just went right after the facts and explained what I can pay and the rest will need to wait till end of the month. That was refreshing and a big weight off my shoulders. Next, tomorrow I have to call my health insurance company and tell them they have to wait to get my premium for this month.. thats another trigger- another uncomfortable conversation. Well, nothing I can do about this right now, so I may as well enjoy my evening.

I think it will be beneficial to go relax with something inspiring from Gaia Tv. …. well, actually, I need to check back with myself on a few questions before I can call this evening of reflection complete. What am I grateful for today? I’m grateful for my husband, my son, my step son, my mother, my father, my support system to sum it up. I’m grateful for a warm and comfortable house I get to call home. I’m grateful for the incredible place where I live that provides such a magnificent variety of nature. I’m grateful for modern technologies of dishwasher and washer/dryer… *.. putting a note for further elaboration on modern conveniences that allow our life to run the speed of light. I’m grateful for the loud, happy, spring-loving, swamp-adoring frogs that fill the air with their calls every morning and evening. I love listening to them. This is when I miss smoking cigarettes, because that got me outside and gave me a reason to be there for 5 minutes. I could just go walk outside right now and stand there to listen to them, but I don’t think I’ve grown to that comfort level yet.. as strange as that sounds. I hope that with time, I will understand where this discomfort stems from and I’ll be comfortable doing some things that I enjoy.

Did I accomplish my goal for today? Yes. I accomplished my small goal of remembering. That’s all I ask of myself for now. I got my tasks done (errands, work, household stuff).
What will I do differently tomorrow? I hope I will make the time to meditate. I really want to have 10 minutes somewhere in my day dedicated to unobstructed and uninterrupted meditation. I will meditate before I go to bed. Tomorrow will be a different kind of a day, because I will spend the whole day on the road pretty much. Joys of living in a small town, have to drive a while to go see a quality dentist for my toddler. However, that drive is absolutely gorgeous, so I don’t mind at all. So I will need to find a different means to checking in with myself about how I’m doing and if I’m staying present.

In what areas did I feel connected today? I felt in touch with family and friends, work, reflection. The remainder of the choices that didn’t make today’s list are: Learning, Nature, Goals, Fun, Health. I’m content with the meaningful connections made today.

My goal reminder is to observe myself without judgement. I’ve lost patience, I felt the urge to give in to anger and frustration, I felt the urge to just wallow in my own pity and not do much. I gave in a bit to anger and frustration, but these feelings don’t feel very good anymore, so I quickly snap myself out of them. It’s the initial plunge that I can’t quiet grasp yet. But it is work in progress. Wallowing in my own pity (overwhelmed) is a big trigger for me. This is where my spiral starts and it doesn’t fail me because it keeps feeding me a myriad of different reasons why I’m so tired, why I should relax, why I should be lazy, why I should be angry, why I should be grouchy, why I should go to bed early, why I should not work today…. why why why why why.. it never ends. It gets me so far and so deep I can’t see the light of day. It consumes me. It’s so easy to give in to that first temptation: I’ve done so well, I deserve a night off! No. It’s not that I don’t deserve a night off. It’s that Im doing it for the wrong reason. I should never need a night off from myself. I need to make time for myself always- this is where my mind takes over and blurs the difference. A night off from myself- involves rushing through everything in the evening, leaving the dishes half way done (or something unfinished in the kitchen), dismisses taking vitamins or even brushing my teeth, my husband wouldn’t “get any” because “this is my evening, and I don’t want to”,  all with one goal to get to bed and watch YouTube videos on something interesting (Akashic records, Emerald tablets, or basically anything by Spirit Science). A night for myself would involve spending quality time checking in with myself about my state of mind, taking care of all my responsibilities and having a good evening with my husband whether that means an adult evening, or just cracking jokes back and forth while we discuss our days. It means being present. It means appreciating the every day things, the every day moments.

Looking back, I can always tell when I fall of into the deep end and start sinking. My mind gives me the subtle signals that I’ve talked about before, this one is when I feel like I need to do something for myself: get my nails done, or go get a new shirt or get a massage. The never-ending feeling of guilt that goes along with that desire, the never-ending feeling that I have to justify why I’m doing it… Truth is, when I am doing okay and checking in with myself I never feel guilty about doing something like that for myself. A girl deserves to feel pretty when there are funds available for this splurging. This needs no justification. My higher self and my ego go to battle when I am “unaware, unplugged in, unconscious”- my higher self is sending me signals, which my ego promptly turns into guilt and conotates that guilt with reasons for justification. I try to justify myself away, when in reality I just need to remove myself from the situation (in my mind) and look at the situation objectively. If I did that, I would see that the reason I feel guilty is because I have already been so self-consumed and focus inward that it would be over the top if I gave myself permission to spend money on myself, as a means of “finally doing something for myself”. I need to remember this, should I fall off the consciousness wagon again and go down this dark and sadly familiar path of unconsciousness, that this feeling is a reminder that I’m not really present. This should serve as a trigger to access the situation and take the steps necessary to stay present and keep myself accountable.

Whew. Now I feel a little better. Off to clean the kitchen and then to watch Gaia since Hubs is working anyway. 🙂


Love and light!

4/5 Mid Day check in

Reminding myself that I’m doing a mid day check in, to see how well I have managed to stay present and not let my mind run a muck. I can’t say that I’m present, I haven’t been present, I can’t quiet my mind in the middle of the day because there are so many things going on. Between running errands for work, at the same time keeping up with the toddler, and trying to remember the appointment my husband just told me about.. my mind has all the fuel it needs to run a million miles an hour. First step is acknowledging it. Second step is becoming aware. Looking back on the first part of the day, I see how I could have done things differently. This is where I learn. Being able to go back and non-judgementally access the situation for what it was and what I could have done differently to better align with my goal of staying present and staying positive.

I had to stop myself and meditate for 2 minutes, just to remember why I’m even writing. I am afraid my focus is shifting in being amuzing to others and that is entirely not my intent. I’m doing this for myself. I just said this outloud. I have to remember that this is my work book in a way of keeping myself in check, keeping my self accountable. So that does mean that I need to reflect and reflect truly, because unless I”m honest with myself I can’t make changes and make improvements. Or better yet, I can’t even notice that there is a problem and that it needs to be observed.

I was very scattered today, I was thinking about one thing (do a contract for this guy), but was doing something else- gathering my purse and keeping my son out of the drawers in the office, while the phone rings and my husband tells me of a different customer. I recognize this scatteredness in myself, it’s become a big part of me in the last… 8-9 years? may be 7? It didn’t use to be me. I thrived on being able to manage myself while going a million miles an hour, I was SUPER organized and never scattered. Priorities have shifted, but habits have not. First step for me is to recognize that its no longer something I strive for. I don’t want to manage life at 100 MPH as its zooming by and I’m barely making out the details, frantically grabbing on to bits and pieces while trying to comprehend the big picture. So how do I slow down enough without missing a beat? Or if I have to miss beats, which ones are there and where do I find the time to dissect my life enough to make those choices. I often find myself thinking that I just need 30 minutes to think about this (examples are dinner ideas for the family, finances, travel ideas, gifts etc), but I don’t ever have a quiet few minutes that are dedicated to that thought. Once I actually make the time to think, my brain doesn’t want to think, it wants to jump from topic to topic, from idea to idea, thus stressing me out and making me feel that not even 15 minutes of quiet and dedicated time are sufficient to get my thoughts together. I swear my bad habits have hijacked me! Did I forget how to prioritize on the fly? Perhaps that is it. I don’t need to hit a pause button to contemplate every options or every decision.

Somehow I have this idea that I must prep for everything. I like to browse pinterest to find delicious recipes, then I access how difficult a recipe would be, what ingredients I have and what I don’t have… then I contemplate making a grocery list.. then I realize well I might as well add a Costco run to this since I’m out of detergent.. oh I should start a load of laundry, it won’t take long, oh crap, there is stuff in the dryer.. take it out put it on the couch to fold.. oh shit, here is a dirty glass by the couch, take it to the kitchen. Fuck, my dishes aren’t done. I aint’ going shopping! so……….. waste of my time, manifestation of stress, negativity and self degradation (because there is also another inner monologue going that says ” why cant I do this right??, why is my house such a mess?” I suck at this “stay-at-home-mom-work-from-home-thing). This is my mind hijacked. I think it is a logical way of thinking (messy house=bad me). Reflecting allows me to look at that train of thought and put on the breaks and say wo-wo-wo! Hold your horses. Observe your thoughts. Observe them. You are doing just fine, as long as you don’t loose control of yourself and don’t spiral down in the negative self talk.

Take a deep breath. Another one. Feel this fresh air, the oxygen fill your lungs, fill every fiber of your being and breathe out all the negativity, all the stress. You don’t need it. My day is going smooth and calm. I have 2.5 hours before I have to pick up my step son from school and my youngest is napping. What can I accomplish in that time? Wrong. What should I do with this precious chunk of time?

Let’s see.. I have to pick up the house and do some dishes after breakfast and lunch.. let’s say I give myself 20 minutes for that.

After that I need to get dinner in the oven.. what does that mean.. Brain is prompting me to go look at pinterest to see how to make a specific dinner. No. Not yet. Observe the urge. I don’t need to know this right now. Gosh, my brain LOVES information, it just consumes it. It doesn’t always retain in, it consumes the feeling of knowledge. No wonder its called a thirst for knowledge. Choo–choo… train has departed. I’m not boarding it. Back to observation. I will give myself 30 minutes for dinner plans.

Then I have to resolve that financial hiccup we have with a vendor, this I need to take a closer approach to. I tend to do a lot of judging of myself when I open my bank accounts. Facts. just look at facts. I have no room for judgemental today. I will open my bank account, I will decide how much payroll approximately will be (I will NOT do payroll today, because it’s not necessary and not due yet), and I will pay the vendor. I give my self 30 minutes for this.

The rest of the time, I need to make time to meditate. So far my schedule is written out for 1 hour and 20 minutes, I hope my son will nap that long for me to accomplish all of these tasks.

Im still feeling scattered… I don’t think any of this planning helped. I know why!! My MIND is writing this. I’m not connected with higher self.  I wasn’t writing this for my self, I thought I was. Hmmmmm… I suppose meditating first should be my priority.


I feel strangely at peace having made the decison to meditate first.

Love and joy!

Good morning day 2

My higher self is still asleep. I can always tell a difference when “she” wakes up with me, or shows up a bit delayed. That first 20 minutes of the morning that I walk around as a zombie I notice I don’t have any thoughts in my head yet, rather than simple reactions like “oh man, that’s cold out here”, “cant wait to have my cup of coffee”, “why is the shower so wet!”, “brrrrr”.. there is no I got to do this, or think about this or that. So today I tried to use that window of time as a chance to connect with my higher self and set my intentions. So this morning instead of standing in the shower silently, forcing myself to wake up, I chose to tell my self that “I AM full of energy, I AM awake, I am positivily charged, I AM happy, I AM present” and a whole bunch of other feel good I ams. I suppose they are called affirmations. I never really felt the energy behind affirmations, it was more of a thought “I guess if I say this enough, somewhere in brain this will register and start working”. Well, today I experienced what they are really meant to do. You say one phrase and then you feel it. Literally feel it. Embody it. Embrace it, accept it, believe it. It’s much easier to do when you mind is blank when you first wake up. That was very nice and refreshing.

I can’t seem to focus this morning on how i Feel and setting my intentions now that I’m behind my computer. I suppose this is because I still feel self-conscious about writing a blog about this.. to me it’s more of a journal to keep myself accountable.

On that note, I am going to say that I intend to have a bright day, unburdened by financial stresses, I’m going to focus on the positive and enjoy the day. As I’m typing this I feel that I already lost a small battle: I just got a v-mail from one of the vendors we work with and they want a payment on their account and I don’t have money to give to them at this time. Confronting myself with the fact that it stresses me out… where does this issue come from? What exactly am I concerned about? I need to have faith, because i know this issue will resolve. however, what am I to do at this point in time? What do I tell them? It’s the conversation that I’m dreading, not the fact that there is no money today to pay them.Talking to people about uncomfortable subjects is the stressor. Having to explain myself? I don’t think I need to do that. They only care about collecting the money, they don’t care about the story. So maybe if I ask what amount they will be satisfied with and see what I can do about that?

Now my son is pulling me off the computer chair to play a game with him, however my mind is so far away that I wonder how I’ll be able to be present. What do I do in the immediate situation where I know I’m not here, but want to be here? Simply switching tasks doesn’t work- my mind is still somewhere far away, thinking a million thoughts a minute, thriving on streess, thriving on the energy I give it by worrying.. its only going to get faster and crazier unless I figure out how to reel it back in. Fighting with it is pointless, that only creates frustration.. Observe.. just observe… center yourself, pull yourself back in, here in the room, behind the computer desk, feeling the cold desk underneath by elbows, the hard keys on the keyboard.. grasp at reality, sound it out, feel it.. bring myself back in. Ok, off I go to play with my son.


Love and joy!DSC_0343

End of day 1 report

At the end of the day I have no more “consciousness” left in me, my ego wins and it wins hard. I’m exhausted, impatient and all I want is me time.  I want to be pampered and be taken care of. I don’t want to listen to my toddler’s pleads for yet another glass of water that he isn’t going to want as soon as I give it to him. I’m tired of having to sweep the floor for the 10th time today because something else got spilled on it. In here, where is there room for consciousness, for patience, and understanding?? Where does it come from? Where is it born? I can’t “watch and observe” these feelings of tiredness, annoyance, exhaustion, frustration- they are overwhelming and there are too many of them all at once. May be if I was by myself and experiencing all of these emotions, may be I could “observe” them away. But with a toddler who is constantly doing something he isn’t suppose to, I can’t even get a minute to just stop. Just stop and tell myself its going to be okay. To take a deep breath. To say its the end of the evening, its normal to feel tired and not want to enjoy every moment.

I feel discouraged and a little defeated right now. I’m even going to admit that I let my son just sit in the tub with no toys (he didn’t seem to care all that much) because I didn’t want to be squirted with water (joyous opportunity missed?? whatever! That’s how I feel right now). The bath time was cut short, and I didn’t particularly enjoy reading the books. My teeth hurt, I’m tired and I just now realize I haven’t eaten much except 3 (seriously?? when and how did I eat 3??) pretzels with laughing cow cheese on them- not healthy. Attempting to reserve my judgement of myself.. Attempting…attempting.. yeah, no judging this one.
Looking back on all of this, I think I’m understanding that I checked out at some point in time BEFORE all of this started overwhelming me. This is how my ego tricks me into thinking “I don’t have the energy for all this consciousness stuff!”.. when really, I don’t have the energy to not be aware. In other words, if I just took it one emotion at a time, recognizing when it “hit me”, I would be able to manage through this whirlwind of chaos. Not at first, and not everytime. Perhaps something that I could do differently tomorrow is have an extra check in in the mid-afternoon, just to assess myself and my state of awareness. It might help me be ready to deal with the evening.

Now, its 8pm, I still have to work tonight, which is fine, but I’m also stressing out about what I’m going to make for dinner tomorrow… Ergh, tough life of a vegetarian (me), a 2 year old, a “meat and potatoes ala gourmet” (husband), and on Tuesdays and Thursdays homey and nutritious meals for a 12 year old (step son).

ON that note, I’m going to go and attempt to find joy in the moment.

Love and lights out!

So far so good…i guess?

This morning was a success, I think. I can’t account that I felt immensely present at any one particular moment, but I wasn’t absent. I was hovering somewhere in between, which is a great step between two distant shores.

My son is napping, I attempted something close to a meditation but got impatient and instead of watching the thought of impatience, I gave in to my habit. My Ego knows that it has its best chances of hijacking me back if it stresses a “to-do” that has been forgotten about. IT yells in my head “do this NOW before you forget again!!!” and I get panicked and plunge into taking care of this thing, rather than acknowledging it and letting it go. I must recognize this as a pattern, as a “trigger”. Identifying triggers that sling shot me back in to unconsciousness and absenteeism is a great step. Once I’m able to recognize them for what they are, they will be easier to watch and allow them to go by rather than “board that thought, and depart on the train to unconsciousness”.

How do I comfort myself knowing that what I’m remembering is important, and I may not remember it when I am done meditating, and without hurrying my meditation along? Perhaps finding peace in the fact that I remembered once, and I will remember again. Nothing is truly so urgent that I remember, because something so pertinent doesn’t get forgotten. And if it can wait, it should wait, until I’m done with me time. On that thought I’m going to give meditation another chance. After I meditate, I intend to organize some of my work projects and think about dinner menus for the week.


Love and joy!

First entry: ego vs. consciousness

Well, may be being able to type on the computer would make it easier for me to stay motivated. Because it’s sure tough to find the time to write in a nice cute journal: my hand gets tired, and I have a two year old who is determined to help me write scribbles in there. So this morning’s agenda is to begin a conscious life. I started it in January, and I actually did pretty well, I could tell the difference, it expanded my consciousness.. however sometime mid February I fell off the band wagon and it was all bad from there. Today I’m making the choice to start again. Not giving up is the whole point, right? Improving your life one day at at time.

So what does it exactly entail? Improving my life? Well the path I’m choosing means being more present every day. Of course I hope to find joy and be present in every single moment of my life, but that is not possible and setting impossible goals is counterproductive. So I’m starting small:

How about I’ll just set the objective of being present today. I will check in with my self every so often through out the day and see how I’m doing. Am I aware of this moment? Do I hold any judgement? Do I hold any resentments, or “should haves”? If so, I will find a few minutes to observe myself, without judgement.

I looked over my journal that I kept in January, and the magic combination of words that helped me make the most progress was “Observe yourself, do not judge”. I was hiding from myself, not admitting my own “faults”- like I spend way too much time on my phone and glued to Facebook. Why? Trying to escape the present moment. But why? It’s too boring? Have I tried looking at the positive aspects of each moment to truly understand if it’s boring or if i just perceive it as such. My biggest fault is being absent with my son. He is taken care of, fed and all that good stuff. But I am only able to take joy in him after he goes to bed, and I start missing him. What gives? Why can’t I enjoy him while he is awake, laughing, asking me to read books with him, or play cars? This is what life is all about, sharing the moments of joy with others. Why am I trying to escape it? When the moment of absenteeism is observed, I remove myself from the situation and observe the facts in it- what is it that is happening right now? I often see that I just want sometime for myself. Sometimes that’s of course perfectly permissible and very needed. However on every day basis I shouldn’t need time for myself all the time. So what ends up happening is that every time I go to do something I’m just wishing in my head “oh Lets get through this and then I’ll be able to relax”. My ego is making me skip this moment, it’s priming my brain to let go of the present moment and to live in the future. Recognizing this is key. Once you see yourself doing this, you can consciously stop and tell yourself I’m enjoying this moment, I love spending time with my 2 year old, even if he is acting like a hurricane right now. Noticing when the ego and old habits start hijacking your heart, and push you to live in the past or the future is key to making new habits.

Every morning I aim to wake up at either 5am or 6am with the sole intention of making the most of my time. I’m most productive and clear headed when I start my day with a shower, getting dressed not in a hurry, but intentionally planning my clothes, taking 10 minutes to do my make up so I feel good about myself. It allows me a chance to be present with myself. This gets me to a more conscious state of mind for the remainder of the day. I don’t always succeed, in fact I only succeed little by little. But if I am able to get a little more of myself back every day, its a journey well worth taking.  What happens is that there will be a day when I don’t get up on time, and my whole day gets jumbled. My immediate intention is to just give up on the whole day and give myself permission to be grouchy. The conscious intention is to observe myself while I make this decision and decide that I’m going to have a great day from this point on. The whole day doesn’t need to go to waste just because I didn’t start it a certain way.

Joy must be found in every moment, regardless if things went as planned or didn’t. That does not mean forcing yourself to feel joy when you are angry or anything stupid and out of context as such. It simply means that I want to make the choice to focus on the positive, and make that my habit, rather than automatically going to the negative and projecting the negativity on the rest of my day.


So today, Monday, April 4th – I set the intention of being present and finding joy in the moment.

I intend to not be distracted or overwhelmed by the day’s plan. Instead I intend to observe my emotions and reactions. I intend to recognize them and check in with myself about them.

I also intend to set aside 10 minutes, during my son’s nap, to meditate. What do I mean by meditate? I mean that I will sit down, and observe the thoughts that come to my mind. I will notice at what speed my brain is working, but I will not engage in it. I give my self only 10 minutes because I don’t want to get overwhelmed with my own intention, or put myself in a box. I’m aware of my own tendencies to make things more complicated, aka absolutely perfect, so I will consciously make a choice to allow myself small steps and room for mistakes.

A quote I want to ponder about today is “Today is a new day”. Yes, it is! It is a new chance at life, it is a new beginning. So today I start fresh, unburdened by my previous “failures”. I fell off the band wagon of checking in with myself, lying to myself that I was still doing good. I forgive myself and its okay. Today I choose to get back up and start on my journey again.

Ego vs. consciousness: my ego rules my everyday life, and I have quite the ego. I’m an only child, I have often been called selfish, focused inwards, uncaring. Those words have always hurt a lot, because I have never seen myself as such. However, that’s what expanding consciousness means- I will allow my perception to expand out far enough to understand these concepts and view myself as such. After all, it is perfect disguise for them to exist if I’m unaware of these traits. Now I see and recognize (most of the time) these qualities in me. I tend to focus on me a lot, how I feel, what I think… its so ingrained in my head that I just automatically assume that I know what people mean to say, instead of listening to what the words mean, I focus on how the words make me feel. This train of thought is my enemy, it is damaging and hurtful to relationships. I’m an empath, so it also doesn’t make ti easier for me to switch to consciousness and focus on what the words mean. I’m programmed from childhood by only child syndrome and empath abilities to FEEL, and FEEL everything. It’s a great quality, but only if you are aware of what these feelings really mean. Focusing on how they make ME feel is only 1/2 step; now it’s time to walk the other 1/2 step and recognize what these feeling represent and the message they carry. My ego tricks me so well when it comes to this “battle”- that sometimes I think I’m still being conscious about the situation, and in reality it is my ego posing as consciousness. That has got to be the most frustrating part! This is exactly how I fell off my band wagon in mid-February, my ego was telling me that I was still doing great, focusing and being present. In reality, I was dissociating and sliding further and further down the drain.

My heart was subtly telling myself that I wasn’t where I needed to be, but my ego has disguised itself so well that I couldn’t see what was wrong even upon examination in the moment. Example: I started getting back on my phone all the time, instead of doing something productive, or being present, I’d check out into the world of Facebook. About 5-10 minutes in, I’d get this “message” from myself “Hey, you have been on the phone for a while now, may be you should put it down and go do something instead”, which immediately followed by “Its okay, I’m tired and I’m taking a break. I haven’t been on here in a while, and there are lot of interesting articles. Look I’m clicking on an article about spirituality and here is this marvelous quote “Stay connected to the vision of your desired life”. I’m connected, I’m aware that I want to stay connected. How do I know? I’m reading this article, aren’t I?” My ego disguises it self so perfectly well, that it convinces me that I’m doing well. Only in the true reflection at the end of the day I’m able to see what took place. And if I don’t make time for a daily reflection… well.. that I go on thinking I’m still doing great, and I don’t need to reflect and further and further I slip… Developing a check in point system for myself to contemplate and understand and observe my behavior is my key to expanding my consciousness at this moment in my life.

I had a reiki session done a while back and I asked my higher self to give me a guidance on what I should be doing or what my calling is. I received a very clear message that I needed to find my balance (being grounded and being aware), and that all the answers are within me and to stop looking else where. So while I understood what the message meant and what I really should be doing with it: making time to meditate daily, and reflect every day on my activities…. instead…. I went on with my life, thinking all sort of egotistical thoughts. I kept listening to all sorts of spiritual articles, blogs, podcasts, reading books on developing phsychic abilities. Which by themselves are all fine.. but it wasn’t what I needed to do at this point in my journey. It is truly amazing the beautiful omens (synchronicities if you will) that come my way once i get back on my path. I won’t get in to this now, but it is another way that I “know” (but not aware!!) if I’m on my true path or not.

All of this writing just poured out, it’s not planned, it’s not organized, it just is. And I’m okay with that. My ego wants to me go read about automatic writing, but I’m aware that is not what I need to focus on at this point. I will keep writing because it is healthy and helpful for myself, not because it might be a higher self speaking.

Have a beautiful and joyful day!