Automatic writing from .. my higherself??

*Edit: today’s post started as a means to check back in with myself about my day. What emerged right after I started typing was something other.. a conversation with my higherself? I did ask myself for help today more than once.. I finally gave it the opportunity to come and express “myself”. Wow. I’m very happy about this conversation! So as you read and it starts to shift into a different direction, that’s the transition.

I can’t say that I succeeded today in staying present or even staying positive. I think last night’s failure in meditation and this mornings brain tantrums threw me off course. I know that tomorrow I can do better. I know that tomorrow is a brand new day and all is going to be good. It’s a new start, “Today is a new day”. Just because today didn’t turn out as I wished, it doesn’t mean that I can give up on my goals.

Staying present is challenging. Humans are creatures of habit, and it’s hard to break habits, especially if they are in our “favor”. Living outside of the present moment allows me an excuse to be a certain way or not to be a certain way, it suits my “needs”, keeps away the responsibility. It’s a hard habit to let go. But not impossible. Living in the present moment brings a greater joy, a greater love and greater appreciation for everything in life. That, right there, is worth striving for. It’s worth trying time and time and again. Feeling the roots take hold in the ground from the bottoms of my feet, such a powerful visual. It helps me stay anchored and tied to the core, steady and safe, comfortable and relaxed, secure and happy, feeling of belonging and relaxation. Finding comfort in that feeling, developing and further visualizing such a powerful image helps stay focused. Helps provide the foundations for building on with ideas, habits, beliefs… strong foundation is key. I often feel very air headed, not grounded and now I feel that a good part of my meditation practice should focus on grounding work. I often get so air-headed that I forget to check in on the ground- fleeting brain, random thoughts are all results of not being grounded or connected. Taking root, making home, finding the core is the ground work for building up the higher self to live in this world. The more grounded I can make sure that I am, the more successful I will be at reaching my goals every day, staying connected and reaching the higher vibrational frequencies. Two techniques that seem to do well for me are 1- imagining roots from the bottom of my feet, and 2- to feel every connection my body has with the physical world- feeling in the fingertips as my fingers type and touch the keyboard, feeling of the skin pulling under my elbows, as I reach for the keys higher up the “middle key line”, the coldness of the computer desk, the weight of headphones on my head, the fuzziness of the carpet under my feet. Find that reality and grasp it, visualize the connections.

Once my mind is calm, and I’m at peace with the day, changes can really take place. The transformation between this afternoon and the state of “now” is mind blowing. Small things in life can remind us why we try hard to break habits.. My son is that reason. Taking the time to feel joy in his presence today, while he sweetly cuddled on me as we read books and he pointed out all the letters that he knew.. Realizing that nowhere is more important than right here and right now. Future may never come, but the present is all we have. Taking the moment to see the light in the present moment and realize its value, take it for what it is, pure love, pure happiness- nothing is masked when the mind is calm. Frantic mind hides all the joy in the world. It masks it with dark colors and unhappy sub-tones.. who needs that? why would you choose to pay attention to the dark colors, rather than the bright and happy moment underneath? No one would consciously choose to, people are, at least so many people, are unaware that they have that choice, that they hold the key and the power to make that valuable difference in their life. By recognizing that the present moment is always masked with shadows of past and hints of the future, the worries, unhappiness and stress… Why are we programmed to see the negative? Why can’t we focus on the positive? Evolutionary trait? perhaps, seeing the negative might have ben potentially life saving at one point in time.. Why are so many “waking up” now? Because we are no longer a vibrational match to the evolving universe, the fractal is dividing, or multiplying. We need to do so along with it, so our consciousness is dividing is in the two that we really are: the mind and the self (the source, the consciousness), so that we may choose the side- the one that wins for us personally. Not everyone in the world is meant to be awakened, some need to stay behind and remind us the conscious ones why the evolution process happened. Prepping yourself for that evolution is what your job is, your mission, your purpose. You, by becoming your greater version, help inspire others who are almost ready to make that change.. but those who aren’t- won’t do anything different in their lives- and that’s okay too. We are a garland, by turning on your “present” moment light, you help shine some light on those who aren’t beaming yet, by shedding some light in their directions simply by being you, by being close.. it helps them see the light with in themselves. We aren’t here to preach, to teach or punish, we are here simply to inspire, to invite changes, make it known, make it common, make it seen rather than something that “only Tibetan monks can do”, or “you read about in books of ancient civilizations”. This world will evolve into something beautiful, pure, full of love and compassion, understanding and joy. Earth’s and humanities evolution is something to be witnessed, something to be enjoyed, we are truly lucky to be alive in this time and watch the transformation form the ugly, uncaring and selfish (all generally applied terms) species into something beautiful… caterpillar into a butterfly, if you will. although I don’t think we have a “marinading” time , we are just going for it- evolving as we go on about our lives.

*This last paragraph below is me asking a clarifying question and getting the answer, so you will notice a lot of interchanges between “I, you and them”-”

So work on yourself, you can do it, because the result will be tremendous. Remember, you aren’t here to teach, you are here to simply be and inspire- how you choose to inspire is your own calling. So what am I doing now by writing this all out in a public blog? Truth is, here, those who search for it, will find it, just like the millions of other waking up light workers, will eventually find their patch to what they search. Think about it, how did you arrive to read papers, blogs, books on these subjects- there is a reason. You are not advertising, you aren’t pushing it down anyone’s throat, I’m simply here … for you… to document my journey, to help myself get to the place where I can beam love and light.. if something here inspires someone else- that’s fantastic, I’m joyful for them. That’s your way of shining light on those who wish to receive it.

 

Ok, I think that’s enough automatic writing for the night.. this was a profound learning session for me.. finally being able to put down in words something that has come to my head so many times, but never having the means to record it or later to phrase it so it makes sense. Now I have to go back through and edit all the typos… there are so many, I was typing a million words a minute!

 

Love and light!

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Freak out mode snuck up on me

Oh my… phone calls pouring in one after the other, I”m trying to manage doing payroll and keep an open mind.. Still have no clue what I’m going to feed my step son in 2 hours, or what I’ll be making for dinner for my husband. Holy crap. I’m feeling the stress.

My brain is zooming, zooming, zooming….. I suppose I should go lay down and try to meditate. I have no idea how I”m even going to be able to get myself off to no thought land, when there are so many thoughts in my head. I’m anxious because I’m waiting for my son to wake up, any moment now, so I feel like I can’t get started on a new project.. because I get so annoyed by having to stop doing something when I’m right in the middle of it. Such a big pet peeve… If I figure out how to break down that wall, and stop getting anxious about being in the middle of something when I have to be interrupted I actually might accomplish quite a bit.

I’m also hungry. Perhaps I should go feed myself and figure out what I’m going to feed my family. Ok, Peanut Butter Jelly sandwich and glass of milk to the rescue.

Objectively looking, I know why I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I have a whole day worth of work (8 hour day), crammed into a 2 hour (if I”m lucky) period of time. Plus all the household duties (laundry, food)… and I’m suppose to somehow manage this efficiently. It’s tough. Its okay if I can’t manage it every time, but somehow I have to be able to catch up with all the work.. urgh the feeling of knowing that people are waiting on me. I just want to collapse on the floor and throw a temper tantrum. How do I observe this away?

 

….. well… I guess I just have to start observing my stress. I have to give permission to not be perfect when the demands are this high.

Ah, I can’t reason and guide myself thru this right now. And my son woke up. Higher self, divine power.. I really need some help today with staying with my intentions. I’m really feeling the pressure..

Love and light!

Day 3?

Yesterday was spent on the road completely so I didn’t get a chance to sit down and type anything, and I can completely tell how uncentered I am. I can’t even see when my thoughts come to me and when they go, they just appear and I’m so out of touch with the present moment that I can’t tell when it happens. The thoughts were not catch-able, they are so fast fleeting, it was so discouraging last night when I tried to meditate. Another something interesting I noticed last night during meditation was that I can’t bring awareness to my lower body.. HWne I lay in bed I can feel the pressure on certain points of my body from laying on the mattress, but I can’t seem to bring my awareness below my hips, my mind has put up a road block  and I last night I couldn’t even observe it away. My leg muscles were so tight and tensed after a whole day in the vehicle, and I wanted to relax them so bad that I couldn’t do anything about it. I kept waiting for that moment of relief. In theory I understand what I was doing wrong, which is giving that thought the time to dwell in my brain, but whenever I brought awareness to my body, my mind was throwing images at me at the speed of light. I suppose somehow i must have been in the state of resistance. I also felt like I couldn’t bring myself back to “center”, I felt that I was really off to the right off myself, if that even makes sense. It does to me, Like I”m here, I’m close, but I’m not in the center and I can’t “jump” myself in the center of myself.

I also feel this way today, I’m not centered and I’m trying to observe it.. what a strange feeling this is! I see myself typing, and I obviously see through my eyes, but when I try to bring awareness to center, I am not there, I’m off to the side.

I tried to set intentions this morning when I got up and was taking a shower, since my mind felt blank.. but every time I tried to focus on an intention my mind started screaming, literally- by throwing random images in to my thoughts, not even any that made sense. Like it was so desperate to keep the present moment away that it couldn’t even think fast enough first thing in the morning to give me something coherent to think about. They were literally blurbs of information in an attempt to distract me, like hedgehogs, towels, trains, dirty floor, trash day, stars, Paris, I mean just anything. I suppose because I don’t feel centered I can’t observe those thoughts. I’d say one intention, and feel myself in split milisecond shift into my body, gain the perspective from the center just to lose that feeling almost immediately. I suppose the best thing would be to just observe that feeling as it happens? I feel myself setting expectations that it will happen and I’m waiting for the observation moment. This must be my mind trying to control myself and create the illusion of meditation and present moment to throw me off track. What a tricky frustrating discovery. Argh. Even as I’m typing this, I’m typing this from the “side”…

My higherself, I really need help with this. I see it happening, but I feel powerless over this. I want to have a day of presence, awareness and self-accountability. I don’t want a day inthe side lines. I close my eyes, I center myself on my breath, a few seconds go by and my mind starts up “this isn’t going to work, just stop it, you are frustrating yourself, see you still can’t bring awareness to any part of your body because you start thinking “what do I feel????”, instead of being able to observe that area and space.

I turned on binurial beats and brought awareness to different areas of my body, It is interesting how certain areas are off limits, like I can’t be aware of my knees or my shoulders.. I experience resistance when I bring awareness to my right leg, it is so tensed up and the desperation feeling of release is overwhelming. I place expectations, I long for that feeling of release and objectively looking I understand that this is what is hindering the awareness. Somehow i just can’t quite catch those thoughts and feelings as they come to me, I can’t “poke” it and see it to be able to say “I’m aware of you”. I can’t hold my focus on a certain place or even my breath for a few seconds, it jumps all over the place. If my brain was ever a monkey, today is the day. It is telling me to give up, I won’t succeed. I feel so rushed along, as I keep looking over at the clock, it’s telling me to quit this and go to work as my son will wake up soon.

There are days when I don’t know how to just observe. Why do I forget that simple instruction? How does that happen? May be that is why yoga is good? you can be mindful while experiencing a stretch or pull on a specific muscle? I don’t know how to “yoga” correctly.. I’ve done it, and enjoyed it, but I can honestly that I enjoyed only the first few classes, after that my mind “tuned out” of it and I kept watching the clock.. whats up with that?

However, I do still intend to have a day of awareness of my thoughts and actions and feelings. Observe myself without judgement. Let go of that resistance. Maybe I’m just not advanced enough yet to be aware of my body completely, and it will come with practice. Is this the time when I bite off more than I can chew and then get frustrated when things don’t happen as they”should”?? My mind has placed the “should have and this should be this way” expectations and truth be told.. i just need to observe the “shoulds”. Its not that they don’t belong, its not that they do, its just that they ARE and I need to become aware of them. That’s what it is… wow. profound little discovery. It’s interesting how with certain emotions I can’t be “aware” of them, I unknowingly and unconsciously judge them. The feeling of desperation..just watch it, that’s all. My mind is tricking me into analyzing it, why it’s there .. but that doesnt matter. It just is. I observe it. I observe my expectations for physical relief of my muscles…. My brain is screaming images again.. What is the difference between awareness in a certain part of the body and focusing on it?

 

Love and light and joy!

May the day be amazing!

End of day 2 thoughts

No real present moments today, but its not a complete loss. I’m staying aware of my actions, looking back and thinking. I’m aiming. I have a goal. I know what I’m working towards. Beginnings aren’t always perfect, and that is completely fine. Best I can do is tell myself thank you for trying, thank you for keeping up the effort, thank you for having a goal for something better for myself.

Honestly, I don’t think I even meditated for 5 minutes today, I think I got 2 minutes in and that’s it. My goal of meditating before beginning my “nap time” projects didn’t happen. I got swept away with a siren of “rush, rush, hurry, don’t run out of time” right after I got off the blog, so I went straight to work. I can look back on the day and compliment myself of having a good conversation with that vendor, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t demand or plead.. I just went right after the facts and explained what I can pay and the rest will need to wait till end of the month. That was refreshing and a big weight off my shoulders. Next, tomorrow I have to call my health insurance company and tell them they have to wait to get my premium for this month.. thats another trigger- another uncomfortable conversation. Well, nothing I can do about this right now, so I may as well enjoy my evening.

I think it will be beneficial to go relax with something inspiring from Gaia Tv. …. well, actually, I need to check back with myself on a few questions before I can call this evening of reflection complete. What am I grateful for today? I’m grateful for my husband, my son, my step son, my mother, my father, my support system to sum it up. I’m grateful for a warm and comfortable house I get to call home. I’m grateful for the incredible place where I live that provides such a magnificent variety of nature. I’m grateful for modern technologies of dishwasher and washer/dryer… *.. putting a note for further elaboration on modern conveniences that allow our life to run the speed of light. I’m grateful for the loud, happy, spring-loving, swamp-adoring frogs that fill the air with their calls every morning and evening. I love listening to them. This is when I miss smoking cigarettes, because that got me outside and gave me a reason to be there for 5 minutes. I could just go walk outside right now and stand there to listen to them, but I don’t think I’ve grown to that comfort level yet.. as strange as that sounds. I hope that with time, I will understand where this discomfort stems from and I’ll be comfortable doing some things that I enjoy.

Did I accomplish my goal for today? Yes. I accomplished my small goal of remembering. That’s all I ask of myself for now. I got my tasks done (errands, work, household stuff).
What will I do differently tomorrow? I hope I will make the time to meditate. I really want to have 10 minutes somewhere in my day dedicated to unobstructed and uninterrupted meditation. I will meditate before I go to bed. Tomorrow will be a different kind of a day, because I will spend the whole day on the road pretty much. Joys of living in a small town, have to drive a while to go see a quality dentist for my toddler. However, that drive is absolutely gorgeous, so I don’t mind at all. So I will need to find a different means to checking in with myself about how I’m doing and if I’m staying present.

In what areas did I feel connected today? I felt in touch with family and friends, work, reflection. The remainder of the choices that didn’t make today’s list are: Learning, Nature, Goals, Fun, Health. I’m content with the meaningful connections made today.

My goal reminder is to observe myself without judgement. I’ve lost patience, I felt the urge to give in to anger and frustration, I felt the urge to just wallow in my own pity and not do much. I gave in a bit to anger and frustration, but these feelings don’t feel very good anymore, so I quickly snap myself out of them. It’s the initial plunge that I can’t quiet grasp yet. But it is work in progress. Wallowing in my own pity (overwhelmed) is a big trigger for me. This is where my spiral starts and it doesn’t fail me because it keeps feeding me a myriad of different reasons why I’m so tired, why I should relax, why I should be lazy, why I should be angry, why I should be grouchy, why I should go to bed early, why I should not work today…. why why why why why.. it never ends. It gets me so far and so deep I can’t see the light of day. It consumes me. It’s so easy to give in to that first temptation: I’ve done so well, I deserve a night off! No. It’s not that I don’t deserve a night off. It’s that Im doing it for the wrong reason. I should never need a night off from myself. I need to make time for myself always- this is where my mind takes over and blurs the difference. A night off from myself- involves rushing through everything in the evening, leaving the dishes half way done (or something unfinished in the kitchen), dismisses taking vitamins or even brushing my teeth, my husband wouldn’t “get any” because “this is my evening, and I don’t want to”,  all with one goal to get to bed and watch YouTube videos on something interesting (Akashic records, Emerald tablets, or basically anything by Spirit Science). A night for myself would involve spending quality time checking in with myself about my state of mind, taking care of all my responsibilities and having a good evening with my husband whether that means an adult evening, or just cracking jokes back and forth while we discuss our days. It means being present. It means appreciating the every day things, the every day moments.

Looking back, I can always tell when I fall of into the deep end and start sinking. My mind gives me the subtle signals that I’ve talked about before, this one is when I feel like I need to do something for myself: get my nails done, or go get a new shirt or get a massage. The never-ending feeling of guilt that goes along with that desire, the never-ending feeling that I have to justify why I’m doing it… Truth is, when I am doing okay and checking in with myself I never feel guilty about doing something like that for myself. A girl deserves to feel pretty when there are funds available for this splurging. This needs no justification. My higher self and my ego go to battle when I am “unaware, unplugged in, unconscious”- my higher self is sending me signals, which my ego promptly turns into guilt and conotates that guilt with reasons for justification. I try to justify myself away, when in reality I just need to remove myself from the situation (in my mind) and look at the situation objectively. If I did that, I would see that the reason I feel guilty is because I have already been so self-consumed and focus inward that it would be over the top if I gave myself permission to spend money on myself, as a means of “finally doing something for myself”. I need to remember this, should I fall off the consciousness wagon again and go down this dark and sadly familiar path of unconsciousness, that this feeling is a reminder that I’m not really present. This should serve as a trigger to access the situation and take the steps necessary to stay present and keep myself accountable.

Whew. Now I feel a little better. Off to clean the kitchen and then to watch Gaia since Hubs is working anyway. 🙂

 

Love and light!

4/5 Mid Day check in

Reminding myself that I’m doing a mid day check in, to see how well I have managed to stay present and not let my mind run a muck. I can’t say that I’m present, I haven’t been present, I can’t quiet my mind in the middle of the day because there are so many things going on. Between running errands for work, at the same time keeping up with the toddler, and trying to remember the appointment my husband just told me about.. my mind has all the fuel it needs to run a million miles an hour. First step is acknowledging it. Second step is becoming aware. Looking back on the first part of the day, I see how I could have done things differently. This is where I learn. Being able to go back and non-judgementally access the situation for what it was and what I could have done differently to better align with my goal of staying present and staying positive.

I had to stop myself and meditate for 2 minutes, just to remember why I’m even writing. I am afraid my focus is shifting in being amuzing to others and that is entirely not my intent. I’m doing this for myself. I just said this outloud. I have to remember that this is my work book in a way of keeping myself in check, keeping my self accountable. So that does mean that I need to reflect and reflect truly, because unless I”m honest with myself I can’t make changes and make improvements. Or better yet, I can’t even notice that there is a problem and that it needs to be observed.

I was very scattered today, I was thinking about one thing (do a contract for this guy), but was doing something else- gathering my purse and keeping my son out of the drawers in the office, while the phone rings and my husband tells me of a different customer. I recognize this scatteredness in myself, it’s become a big part of me in the last… 8-9 years? may be 7? It didn’t use to be me. I thrived on being able to manage myself while going a million miles an hour, I was SUPER organized and never scattered. Priorities have shifted, but habits have not. First step for me is to recognize that its no longer something I strive for. I don’t want to manage life at 100 MPH as its zooming by and I’m barely making out the details, frantically grabbing on to bits and pieces while trying to comprehend the big picture. So how do I slow down enough without missing a beat? Or if I have to miss beats, which ones are there and where do I find the time to dissect my life enough to make those choices. I often find myself thinking that I just need 30 minutes to think about this (examples are dinner ideas for the family, finances, travel ideas, gifts etc), but I don’t ever have a quiet few minutes that are dedicated to that thought. Once I actually make the time to think, my brain doesn’t want to think, it wants to jump from topic to topic, from idea to idea, thus stressing me out and making me feel that not even 15 minutes of quiet and dedicated time are sufficient to get my thoughts together. I swear my bad habits have hijacked me! Did I forget how to prioritize on the fly? Perhaps that is it. I don’t need to hit a pause button to contemplate every options or every decision.

Somehow I have this idea that I must prep for everything. I like to browse pinterest to find delicious recipes, then I access how difficult a recipe would be, what ingredients I have and what I don’t have… then I contemplate making a grocery list.. then I realize well I might as well add a Costco run to this since I’m out of detergent.. oh I should start a load of laundry, it won’t take long, oh crap, there is stuff in the dryer.. take it out put it on the couch to fold.. oh shit, here is a dirty glass by the couch, take it to the kitchen. Fuck, my dishes aren’t done. I aint’ going shopping! so……….. waste of my time, manifestation of stress, negativity and self degradation (because there is also another inner monologue going that says ” why cant I do this right??, why is my house such a mess?” I suck at this “stay-at-home-mom-work-from-home-thing). This is my mind hijacked. I think it is a logical way of thinking (messy house=bad me). Reflecting allows me to look at that train of thought and put on the breaks and say wo-wo-wo! Hold your horses. Observe your thoughts. Observe them. You are doing just fine, as long as you don’t loose control of yourself and don’t spiral down in the negative self talk.

Take a deep breath. Another one. Feel this fresh air, the oxygen fill your lungs, fill every fiber of your being and breathe out all the negativity, all the stress. You don’t need it. My day is going smooth and calm. I have 2.5 hours before I have to pick up my step son from school and my youngest is napping. What can I accomplish in that time? Wrong. What should I do with this precious chunk of time?

Let’s see.. I have to pick up the house and do some dishes after breakfast and lunch.. let’s say I give myself 20 minutes for that.

After that I need to get dinner in the oven.. what does that mean.. Brain is prompting me to go look at pinterest to see how to make a specific dinner. No. Not yet. Observe the urge. I don’t need to know this right now. Gosh, my brain LOVES information, it just consumes it. It doesn’t always retain in, it consumes the feeling of knowledge. No wonder its called a thirst for knowledge. Choo–choo… train has departed. I’m not boarding it. Back to observation. I will give myself 30 minutes for dinner plans.

Then I have to resolve that financial hiccup we have with a vendor, this I need to take a closer approach to. I tend to do a lot of judging of myself when I open my bank accounts. Facts. just look at facts. I have no room for judgemental today. I will open my bank account, I will decide how much payroll approximately will be (I will NOT do payroll today, because it’s not necessary and not due yet), and I will pay the vendor. I give my self 30 minutes for this.

The rest of the time, I need to make time to meditate. So far my schedule is written out for 1 hour and 20 minutes, I hope my son will nap that long for me to accomplish all of these tasks.

Im still feeling scattered… I don’t think any of this planning helped. I know why!! My MIND is writing this. I’m not connected with higher self.  I wasn’t writing this for my self, I thought I was. Hmmmmm… I suppose meditating first should be my priority.

 

I feel strangely at peace having made the decison to meditate first.

Love and joy!

Good morning day 2

My higher self is still asleep. I can always tell a difference when “she” wakes up with me, or shows up a bit delayed. That first 20 minutes of the morning that I walk around as a zombie I notice I don’t have any thoughts in my head yet, rather than simple reactions like “oh man, that’s cold out here”, “cant wait to have my cup of coffee”, “why is the shower so wet!”, “brrrrr”.. there is no I got to do this, or think about this or that. So today I tried to use that window of time as a chance to connect with my higher self and set my intentions. So this morning instead of standing in the shower silently, forcing myself to wake up, I chose to tell my self that “I AM full of energy, I AM awake, I am positivily charged, I AM happy, I AM present” and a whole bunch of other feel good I ams. I suppose they are called affirmations. I never really felt the energy behind affirmations, it was more of a thought “I guess if I say this enough, somewhere in brain this will register and start working”. Well, today I experienced what they are really meant to do. You say one phrase and then you feel it. Literally feel it. Embody it. Embrace it, accept it, believe it. It’s much easier to do when you mind is blank when you first wake up. That was very nice and refreshing.

I can’t seem to focus this morning on how i Feel and setting my intentions now that I’m behind my computer. I suppose this is because I still feel self-conscious about writing a blog about this.. to me it’s more of a journal to keep myself accountable.

On that note, I am going to say that I intend to have a bright day, unburdened by financial stresses, I’m going to focus on the positive and enjoy the day. As I’m typing this I feel that I already lost a small battle: I just got a v-mail from one of the vendors we work with and they want a payment on their account and I don’t have money to give to them at this time. Confronting myself with the fact that it stresses me out… where does this issue come from? What exactly am I concerned about? I need to have faith, because i know this issue will resolve. however, what am I to do at this point in time? What do I tell them? It’s the conversation that I’m dreading, not the fact that there is no money today to pay them.Talking to people about uncomfortable subjects is the stressor. Having to explain myself? I don’t think I need to do that. They only care about collecting the money, they don’t care about the story. So maybe if I ask what amount they will be satisfied with and see what I can do about that?

Now my son is pulling me off the computer chair to play a game with him, however my mind is so far away that I wonder how I’ll be able to be present. What do I do in the immediate situation where I know I’m not here, but want to be here? Simply switching tasks doesn’t work- my mind is still somewhere far away, thinking a million thoughts a minute, thriving on streess, thriving on the energy I give it by worrying.. its only going to get faster and crazier unless I figure out how to reel it back in. Fighting with it is pointless, that only creates frustration.. Observe.. just observe… center yourself, pull yourself back in, here in the room, behind the computer desk, feeling the cold desk underneath by elbows, the hard keys on the keyboard.. grasp at reality, sound it out, feel it.. bring myself back in. Ok, off I go to play with my son.

 

Love and joy!DSC_0343

End of day 1 report

At the end of the day I have no more “consciousness” left in me, my ego wins and it wins hard. I’m exhausted, impatient and all I want is me time.  I want to be pampered and be taken care of. I don’t want to listen to my toddler’s pleads for yet another glass of water that he isn’t going to want as soon as I give it to him. I’m tired of having to sweep the floor for the 10th time today because something else got spilled on it. In here, where is there room for consciousness, for patience, and understanding?? Where does it come from? Where is it born? I can’t “watch and observe” these feelings of tiredness, annoyance, exhaustion, frustration- they are overwhelming and there are too many of them all at once. May be if I was by myself and experiencing all of these emotions, may be I could “observe” them away. But with a toddler who is constantly doing something he isn’t suppose to, I can’t even get a minute to just stop. Just stop and tell myself its going to be okay. To take a deep breath. To say its the end of the evening, its normal to feel tired and not want to enjoy every moment.

I feel discouraged and a little defeated right now. I’m even going to admit that I let my son just sit in the tub with no toys (he didn’t seem to care all that much) because I didn’t want to be squirted with water (joyous opportunity missed?? whatever! That’s how I feel right now). The bath time was cut short, and I didn’t particularly enjoy reading the books. My teeth hurt, I’m tired and I just now realize I haven’t eaten much except 3 (seriously?? when and how did I eat 3??) pretzels with laughing cow cheese on them- not healthy. Attempting to reserve my judgement of myself.. Attempting…attempting.. yeah, no judging this one.
Looking back on all of this, I think I’m understanding that I checked out at some point in time BEFORE all of this started overwhelming me. This is how my ego tricks me into thinking “I don’t have the energy for all this consciousness stuff!”.. when really, I don’t have the energy to not be aware. In other words, if I just took it one emotion at a time, recognizing when it “hit me”, I would be able to manage through this whirlwind of chaos. Not at first, and not everytime. Perhaps something that I could do differently tomorrow is have an extra check in in the mid-afternoon, just to assess myself and my state of awareness. It might help me be ready to deal with the evening.

Now, its 8pm, I still have to work tonight, which is fine, but I’m also stressing out about what I’m going to make for dinner tomorrow… Ergh, tough life of a vegetarian (me), a 2 year old, a “meat and potatoes ala gourmet” (husband), and on Tuesdays and Thursdays homey and nutritious meals for a 12 year old (step son).

ON that note, I’m going to go and attempt to find joy in the moment.

Love and lights out!