No real present moments today, but its not a complete loss. I’m staying aware of my actions, looking back and thinking. I’m aiming. I have a goal. I know what I’m working towards. Beginnings aren’t always perfect, and that is completely fine. Best I can do is tell myself thank you for trying, thank you for keeping up the effort, thank you for having a goal for something better for myself.
Honestly, I don’t think I even meditated for 5 minutes today, I think I got 2 minutes in and that’s it. My goal of meditating before beginning my “nap time” projects didn’t happen. I got swept away with a siren of “rush, rush, hurry, don’t run out of time” right after I got off the blog, so I went straight to work. I can look back on the day and compliment myself of having a good conversation with that vendor, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t demand or plead.. I just went right after the facts and explained what I can pay and the rest will need to wait till end of the month. That was refreshing and a big weight off my shoulders. Next, tomorrow I have to call my health insurance company and tell them they have to wait to get my premium for this month.. thats another trigger- another uncomfortable conversation. Well, nothing I can do about this right now, so I may as well enjoy my evening.
I think it will be beneficial to go relax with something inspiring from Gaia Tv. …. well, actually, I need to check back with myself on a few questions before I can call this evening of reflection complete. What am I grateful for today? I’m grateful for my husband, my son, my step son, my mother, my father, my support system to sum it up. I’m grateful for a warm and comfortable house I get to call home. I’m grateful for the incredible place where I live that provides such a magnificent variety of nature. I’m grateful for modern technologies of dishwasher and washer/dryer… *.. putting a note for further elaboration on modern conveniences that allow our life to run the speed of light. I’m grateful for the loud, happy, spring-loving, swamp-adoring frogs that fill the air with their calls every morning and evening. I love listening to them. This is when I miss smoking cigarettes, because that got me outside and gave me a reason to be there for 5 minutes. I could just go walk outside right now and stand there to listen to them, but I don’t think I’ve grown to that comfort level yet.. as strange as that sounds. I hope that with time, I will understand where this discomfort stems from and I’ll be comfortable doing some things that I enjoy.
Did I accomplish my goal for today? Yes. I accomplished my small goal of remembering. That’s all I ask of myself for now. I got my tasks done (errands, work, household stuff).
What will I do differently tomorrow? I hope I will make the time to meditate. I really want to have 10 minutes somewhere in my day dedicated to unobstructed and uninterrupted meditation. I will meditate before I go to bed. Tomorrow will be a different kind of a day, because I will spend the whole day on the road pretty much. Joys of living in a small town, have to drive a while to go see a quality dentist for my toddler. However, that drive is absolutely gorgeous, so I don’t mind at all. So I will need to find a different means to checking in with myself about how I’m doing and if I’m staying present.
In what areas did I feel connected today? I felt in touch with family and friends, work, reflection. The remainder of the choices that didn’t make today’s list are: Learning, Nature, Goals, Fun, Health. I’m content with the meaningful connections made today.
My goal reminder is to observe myself without judgement. I’ve lost patience, I felt the urge to give in to anger and frustration, I felt the urge to just wallow in my own pity and not do much. I gave in a bit to anger and frustration, but these feelings don’t feel very good anymore, so I quickly snap myself out of them. It’s the initial plunge that I can’t quiet grasp yet. But it is work in progress. Wallowing in my own pity (overwhelmed) is a big trigger for me. This is where my spiral starts and it doesn’t fail me because it keeps feeding me a myriad of different reasons why I’m so tired, why I should relax, why I should be lazy, why I should be angry, why I should be grouchy, why I should go to bed early, why I should not work today…. why why why why why.. it never ends. It gets me so far and so deep I can’t see the light of day. It consumes me. It’s so easy to give in to that first temptation: I’ve done so well, I deserve a night off! No. It’s not that I don’t deserve a night off. It’s that Im doing it for the wrong reason. I should never need a night off from myself. I need to make time for myself always- this is where my mind takes over and blurs the difference. A night off from myself- involves rushing through everything in the evening, leaving the dishes half way done (or something unfinished in the kitchen), dismisses taking vitamins or even brushing my teeth, my husband wouldn’t “get any” because “this is my evening, and I don’t want to”, all with one goal to get to bed and watch YouTube videos on something interesting (Akashic records, Emerald tablets, or basically anything by Spirit Science). A night for myself would involve spending quality time checking in with myself about my state of mind, taking care of all my responsibilities and having a good evening with my husband whether that means an adult evening, or just cracking jokes back and forth while we discuss our days. It means being present. It means appreciating the every day things, the every day moments.
Looking back, I can always tell when I fall of into the deep end and start sinking. My mind gives me the subtle signals that I’ve talked about before, this one is when I feel like I need to do something for myself: get my nails done, or go get a new shirt or get a massage. The never-ending feeling of guilt that goes along with that desire, the never-ending feeling that I have to justify why I’m doing it… Truth is, when I am doing okay and checking in with myself I never feel guilty about doing something like that for myself. A girl deserves to feel pretty when there are funds available for this splurging. This needs no justification. My higher self and my ego go to battle when I am “unaware, unplugged in, unconscious”- my higher self is sending me signals, which my ego promptly turns into guilt and conotates that guilt with reasons for justification. I try to justify myself away, when in reality I just need to remove myself from the situation (in my mind) and look at the situation objectively. If I did that, I would see that the reason I feel guilty is because I have already been so self-consumed and focus inward that it would be over the top if I gave myself permission to spend money on myself, as a means of “finally doing something for myself”. I need to remember this, should I fall off the consciousness wagon again and go down this dark and sadly familiar path of unconsciousness, that this feeling is a reminder that I’m not really present. This should serve as a trigger to access the situation and take the steps necessary to stay present and keep myself accountable.
Whew. Now I feel a little better. Off to clean the kitchen and then to watch Gaia since Hubs is working anyway. 🙂
Love and light!