I seriously struggle with daily intention setting. My shadow self is a freaking beast! Even though I KNOW how my shadow creeps back in and how it makes me trip, I still don’t see it coming. I self sabotage so hard and good, that it blows my mind every time, and every time I struggle to get out of it. I’ve written to myself before to help me identify how my shadow creeps back in, how it sets up place and how it begins to feel and act when it’s in charge, I also have notes on how I can take control again.. but damn, every month it gets me. I’m on day 3, I’m pretty sure, trying to not let my shadow win- and it’s already won, so I’m just feeding it’s negative energy with my futile attempts to be the one in charge of how I feel and what I do.
My triggers are “self pity”- I desire more time for myself, I want to be lazy, I want to watch my TV shows, I want to read my books, work with my cards, study my esoteric materials. But I have some serious family responsiblities, and those have got to come first. No matter what. I have a husband to care for, a child to raise, 2 dogs and a cat, a house to keep and a business to run. I also do have myself to attend to. I confuse how to best care for myself- do I just need a hot bath at 11pm at night after everyone has gone to bed, or do I need to get some sleep so I can get up early and get a head start on my day. The latter is always the right answer! Indulging myself those late night activities, no matter how tempting, is the beginning of self sabotage. Once I don’t get enough sleep, the moodiness comes on, it’s easier to justify my self pity and thus give in fully to my shadow and play the victim of my own circumstances. I do not understand how I continue to fall for it. I suppose, I do, because a hot bath does sound very nice. I get confused when I begin thinking “well I do have to take a bath once in a while! I deserve to relax!”- the proper thought ought to be “of course you deserve to relax, but it should never be at the detriment of your sleep”. I need a routine, I would thrive on my own routine, but I fail at setting one up and following it. I get to “rigid” with it, down to 15 minute increments. It’s either not enough structure, or too much structure.. where is the “in between”? How do I achieve the in between. I suppose setting up some core values in my schedule would greatly help me.
What are some important things to structure my day? Wake up time, my son’s wake up time, dinner time, and bed time. Those should be form a good skeleton for a routine. So if I set my wake up time for 4:30am- half hour for dog potty time/and my shower and to get dressed. I should be ready to have some me time for about an hour, from 5am until 6am. In this time I could make a cup of hot tea, sit down with my studies or my book, do my daily cards. Honestly, most days I could probably get away with having an hour and a half in the morning to myself, from 5am until 6:30am, or even 7 at times. My child wakes up somewhere between 6:30 and 7:15am. I suppose I could get him an alarm clock, so he had a distinct wake up time (here come the obstacles in my head- it won’t work, he’ll be too tired, and grumpy, what if he wakes up early, you have to teach him to stay in his room till alarm goes off- thanks brain, I appreciate you building a brick wall of why I’m going to fail). Then from 7am until 8:30am- child morning routine, breakfast cooking/eating and clean up, and off to child care provider. After that I have my day. Here is where intention setting comes in- what am I going to accomplish today? Do I need to have a household day where I clean, do laundry, do fridge inventory, grocery shop? Or do I take a work day, where I answer our business phone, do our books, payroll, bill pays? Or do I take a personal day, where I spend the day attending to my own needs- maybe a nap, or some study time, that hot bath and a book. 4pm- child pick up. Here we have some play time with the kiddo, quality mom/son time every day, then dinner prep and cook, eat and clean. And bedtime routine begins for kiddo.
Laid out like that this doesn’t seem impossible at all. Perhaps I’ve ought to really give this a try and set up my week this way.. I know I will thrive.. damn self sabotage. But you won’t win. I know that.