Mother’s guilt

I always regarded myself as a good mom, not great- I have room for improvement, no doubt, but overall I do feel like I’m a good mom. I love and appreciate my son, I See the human being that he is becoming and I’m proud of his determination, ability to listen to himself, understand what he likes and doesn’t like- qualities that many of us lack or not certain how to use in daily life. That being said, I never associated myself with words “mother’s guilt”- I know women in my life who struggle with it, and while I understand the concept, I fail to see how anyone wouldn’t see a way out of it! “Unless you are in fact a dead beat mom, you are doing great- is your child clothed, fed, and loved? You are golden, everything else is gravy on top.” The latest toys, the activity circles, the bake sales…blah blah blah.. c’mon the f**k on, you are doing your best and being a mom isn’t the only thing you are juggling. You have yourself too!

I decided that I needed to further examine this concept because I had such resistance to the idea that I may, in fact, experience mother’s guilt on some level and don’t recognize it. My brain kept screaming “you often think that you are a good mom, you are proud of the relationship you have with your son, he is well adjusted, social, confident- no, mother’s guilt is a concept that doesn’t apply to me”. Because I experienced such confidence and resistance to this concept, I knew it was a red flag that my conscious mind wasn’t seeing something in my subconscious. Amidst all of this, I find myself in a dilemma of where my son will go to pre-school next year. I have my eyes on an excellent private school that teaches Pre-K through 5th grade, tuition is very affordable, the program is fantastic, and my son loved it the 2 times that we visited. The huge “but” in this scenario is the time and distance it takes to get to this school- and there is only one road that is available to get there. I’d be looking at driving my son to school 27 miles, taking approximately 40 minutes, trekking back home the 27 miles, also 40 minutes (I work from home), and then driving back to pick him up that same 27 miles and that same 40 minutes, and then making that drive yet again to get home…27 miles and 40 minutes. So I’d be looking at spending 2.6 hours in commute daily, driving 108 miles a day, 5 days a week- just to get my son to this school. WHY??? Why would I do this to myself? I already struggle with routine and organization, we haven’t once made it on time to drop off at his current pre-school (that is 10 minutes away from us).. I’d be setting myself up for a huge failure in my personal life. Sure, he’d get to school- late or maybe not, sure I’d pick him up.. but where would I be in all of this? How do I feel about making this commitment? Forget about cost of gas, when you drive a truck that runs 14 gallons a mile.

The “Mother” voice comes in here… a good mother would make any sacrifice necessary for the good of her child. … This sentence right here is why I’m still in dilemma about this decision. The fact that my son begs to go to school there doesn’t help. I should be able to give myself permission to say “no, this doesn’t work for me!”, and say maybe in a year we’ll see if we can move closer to this school, but right now it doesn’t work.

So, truth be told, I do have mother’s guilt, it was just very well disguised and thankfully doesn’t come out in every day situation that I have discovered… but, it does come out occasionally and when it does, I have no footing to stand on, I lose all control and that is only then I understand and sympathize with mother’s that experience this feeling on a regular basis. I’ve never actually told anyone that their feeling is in valid, or somehow downplayed mother’s guilt when someone was telling me about it.. its always been an internal feeling, a “thought” if you will. I’m thankful to have a better understanding of it, and call it out when it’s holding me hostage in this particular situation.

I deserve to be able to say “this doesn’t work for me, no matter how good it is for my child” and not feeling guilty about it. I deserve to put myself first in this matter. And it’s okay to feel good about it. It’s okay to feel good about putting myself first. Because it’s not just about ME. I play many roles in my life- myself, a mom, a wife, a daughter, an employer, a housekeeper, a cook, a taxi- etc and all those roles have to be able to perform their duties in order for this family to function. When they don’t.. family problems begin. It’s not fair to my family either if I put myself in the position of where I will struggle everyday. That doesn’t serve anyone at all.

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Pink dot

Color magenta, pink, fuscia, purple have made themselves known in my life, the color of a ripe berry- a beautiful rich lush deep pinkish purple color. I associate this color now with color of abundance and love.

I am so blessed in my life and I have set a challenge for myself to be intently more thankful for all the blessings that i live in every day life. I am very happily married to an amazing man, have a wonderful son, own a successful business and live in a beautiful home. This stands out so much more to me in the wake of today’s event in Syria- where people do not have a safe home, a place to live and cherish their families and lives together. Where all of this is at risk and non-existent.

I am challenging myself to take the time each and every day for the next 30 days to be thankful for the blessings in my life. I’ve placed Pink Dots in places in my home to remind myself of the love and support I am surrounded with.

All we ever want from our kids is to be greatful and good human beings, recognize the efforts we have made as parents to them in making their life comfortable. I want to be thankful to the Universe where I live, I want to recognize the creation for this beauty. May my intention be strong enough to last the 30 days.

Setting intentions daily

I seriously struggle with daily intention setting. My shadow self is a freaking beast! Even though I KNOW how my shadow creeps back in and how it makes me trip, I still don’t see it coming. I self sabotage so hard and good, that it blows my mind every time, and every time I struggle to get out of it. I’ve written to myself before to help me identify how my shadow creeps back in, how it sets up place and how it begins to feel and act when it’s in charge, I also have notes on how I can take control again.. but damn, every month it gets me. I’m on day 3, I’m pretty sure, trying to not let my shadow win- and it’s already won, so I’m just feeding it’s negative energy with my futile attempts to be the one in charge of how I feel and what I do.

My triggers are “self pity”- I desire more time for myself, I want to be lazy, I want to watch my TV shows, I want to read my books, work with my cards, study my esoteric materials. But I have some serious family responsiblities, and those have got to come first. No matter what. I have a husband to care for, a child to raise, 2 dogs and a cat, a house to keep and a business to run. I also do have myself to attend to. I confuse how to best care for myself- do I just need a hot bath at 11pm at night after everyone has gone to bed, or do I need to get some sleep so I can get up early and get a head start on my day. The latter is always the right answer! Indulging myself those late night activities, no matter how tempting, is the beginning of self sabotage. Once I don’t get enough sleep, the moodiness comes on, it’s easier to justify my self pity and thus give in fully to my shadow and play the victim of my own circumstances. I do not understand how I continue to fall for it. I suppose, I do, because a hot bath does sound very nice. I get confused when I begin thinking “well I do have to take a bath once in a while! I deserve to relax!”- the proper thought ought to be “of course you deserve to relax, but it should never be at the detriment of your sleep”. I need a routine, I would thrive on my own routine, but I fail at setting one up and following it. I get to “rigid” with it, down to 15 minute increments. It’s either not enough structure, or too much structure.. where is the “in between”? How do I achieve the in between. I suppose setting up some core values in my schedule would greatly help me.

What are some important things to structure my day? Wake up time, my son’s wake up time, dinner time, and bed time. Those should be form a good skeleton for a routine. So if I set my wake up time for 4:30am- half hour for dog potty time/and my shower and to get dressed. I should be ready to have some me time for about an hour, from 5am until 6am. In this time I could make a cup of hot tea, sit down with my studies or my book, do my daily cards. Honestly, most days I could probably get away with having an hour and a half in the morning to myself, from 5am until 6:30am, or even 7 at times. My child wakes up somewhere between 6:30 and 7:15am. I suppose I could get him an alarm clock, so he had a distinct wake up time (here come the obstacles in my head- it won’t work, he’ll be too tired, and grumpy, what if he wakes up early, you have to teach him to stay in his room till alarm goes off- thanks brain, I appreciate you building a brick wall of why I’m going to fail). Then from 7am until 8:30am- child morning routine, breakfast cooking/eating and clean up, and off to child care provider. After that I have my day. Here is where intention setting comes in- what am I going to accomplish today? Do I need to have a household day where I clean, do laundry, do fridge inventory, grocery shop? Or do I take a work day, where I answer our business phone, do our books, payroll, bill pays? Or do I take a personal day, where I spend the day attending to my own needs- maybe a nap, or some study time, that hot bath and a book. 4pm- child pick up. Here we have some play time with the kiddo, quality mom/son time every day, then dinner prep and cook, eat and clean. And bedtime routine begins for kiddo.

Laid out like that this doesn’t seem impossible at all. Perhaps I’ve ought to really give this a try and set up my week this way.. I know I will thrive.. damn self sabotage. But you won’t win. I know that.

Feeling the call

 

I’m not sure how many people are as aware of what’s happening on the larger scale of things as I am, but I feel compelled to share what I see and feel and understand.

Cosmos

We are at the early early stages of the Great shift in consciousness. This has been ramping up for about 200 years, going through it’s ups and down, peaking and dying back down. Our generation’s time has come to rise to the occasion and take this bobbing wave to the next level. We need to crest this wave, as my friend Shana says. We need to help it and see it through. The energy that has arrived to Earth needs physical assistance, it needs a physical embodiment, a physical manifestation. The only way to make that happen, is for us, physical beings with an awareness of this energy, to shape it and assist it in reaching its goal.

What in the world am I talking about?

I hope folks with an intuitive gift already know and understand.. I’m certain most of us have felt it subtly or strongly- all depends on the individual and how in tune you are.        I, for one, feel it’s pressing energy, overwhelming, undoubting, ever present and eternal. It surrounds us, it’s shifting us into best possible locations and teams, uniting us and helping us help it achieve its goal. Energy of change. Energy of the new evolutionary process of the human society. Our souls are waking up, our alarm clock is sending distant signals letting us know we can turn things around and make the change, but we have got to wake up and work as a team. Intuitive people feel this. Intuition is on the rise- the energy is so strong that it’s waking up a lot of people, but they aren’t quite sure what to do with it.

If you are one of these people: your task is your shadow work! Why? Because as long as you harbor shadows in your soul, the light can’t reach you fully, thus you can’t be as effective. You need to use this energy to make transformations in your own life, and as that change is made you are able to assist the global collective. Shadow work means working through your own limitations, doing an assessment of what in your life serves you and what doesn’t, what are you not looking at, what needs attention, what have you been carrying around for no good reason, what can you shed, and what can you accept. Its not easy task, but the capability exists in all of us. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here during this time on earth. You have selected this time to come here so you can see this change through. Its not a coincidence that you are waking up to your own abilities, that you are starting to ask larger questions like “who am I? what am I here for? whats my greatest joy? why are people so awful to each other? what can I do?” or even simpler questions like “do I believe in God? do I believe in a creator? OR how did we end up here?” may be even questions like aliens, ancient cultures, witches, pagans, druids, Egypt- anything that has a mystery is calling you.. take a deep look at why you are asking these questions. Find things that inspire your thirst for knowledge and let them lead, leave the stigma’s behind and introduce this change into your life.

This is a very exciting time and you have a lot to contribute! Don’t doubt that one bit, because deep down you are not just a human, you are an eternal soul that has a mission this lifetime around and your work is different than everyone around you, but it is equally important. None of us have the exact same gifts, many have similarities, but each has an individual specialty. You have an important role to play in the global perspective of this shift. I promise.

I have much more to say on this subject and look forward to providing my view on things as we progress through this incredible month of August.

PS: there is SO much happening in August! Wow! We are in for a real treat here.. get your seat belt on!

Love and light,

Yulia

Chistmas spirit and how to be Santa

Our world lacks kindness at this time in our great spiral of life. We dance the eternal dance, the constant change and shift of galactic forces, that have an effect on our existence. The great constellations are shifting,we have began our process of change. Welcome this time with kindness for each other, love and support for your neighbohrs. Be kind to someone for no reason,but just because they are another human being. Do something special, maybe not a material thing, but even a kind, loving message for a stranger. Leave a note on someone’s car that “this is your year, believe in yourself!”. “You can do it” or something else kind an inspiring. If you found random cheerful note or your version of a fortune cookie fortune, what does it say that it cheers you up? I was recently on the receving end of a random act of kindness, and it was so wonderful.

Get a $5-10 gift card, and make someone’s day and leave it in a public place,like a coffee shop or grocery store. Think how good you just made someone feel. Maybe it’s a cup of coffee card or a store like bath and body Works or a local sandwhichshop… add a note, merry Christmas you! Yes,you! Share the gift of kindness and do something sweet and thoughtful for a complete stranger. Spread laughter and cheer. We really need to be our own Santa’s this year.

Be kind.

Be thoughtful.

Give an extra smile.

Say thanks an extra time.

Don’t be a stingy scrooge. You don’t have to have money to be scrooge.

The spirit of being more loving, more kind, more thoughtful is upon us. We need to go through this great transition with love and compassion in our hearts.

So do something small, be a positive influence on just one random person  this year.

I’m going to. I will be my local santa, I can’t wait to make some random kind cards!

How?

What would our world be like? If each one of actually cared for others? We say we do, we sympathize, we get sad, we quietly wish the other person well, sometimes we just look the other way, some of us somehow are able to laugh at misfortune of others.

What would it be like, if one day, you were walking down the street, saw a homeless person asking for money, and stopped. Because this is a person. Because he has a story. Because one day, long time ago, they were an innocent child. Someone along the way failed this child by not teaching them what it means to be a good person, didnt teach him how to care. This child was born knowing all of this, but diacouraged along the way of such behavior by sheer example of excat opposite.

What would it be like just to sit down next to the homeless person and ask “Hey bud, what happened in your life that led you right here? What was that turning point? What can I do to help you? I am a human being who sees another human suffering. I can not let it be okay that I just ignore that. I want to see you do well.” Yet, here I am, a hippocrate of a human being… or… wait, am I? I guess i am not. I dont sit next to homeless people, i dont help the more needy, those who lack it all. I help those who lost only something special, or feel they are getting lost, or recently got lost and dont know it. Hmmmm sorry, i digress here, but i geniunly thought i was not a good human being, and then it dawned on me that its okay to not be able help the most needy, I can still be a good person.

Unexpected side turn and discovery of my own realization. But, our world would be bright with happiness for each other, we would literally transform our way of existence. A tarot sequence jumps to my mind…tower and star. Here we are, at a dark time in history of humanity. Granted we dont think that we are. I think in our life time, its easy to be not caring because so much work is done through impersonal phone, email, text…not personal intereaction. A huge change, a shift, in thinking, being, existing, enjoying life is upon us. Right now? Boy, do I feel it, so immensly, so pressing, just just just about to burst. A beautiful beginning is near. But what happens right before a beautiful beginning? An end. Tower card. It can either be a dramatic shift, with a lot of unrest because it happened prematurely, not enough people were ready. Or can be a swift, smooth transition because you just understand this is the new way of how things will be. So you become the change. Right now. Allow your light to shine so bright that it catches in others. It is your duty. Lightworkers? This is a beautiful term. You light the way. You embody that change. You become so filled with love and light for life and existence and all others that exists. That others cant just help, but smile, that will be a smile with the new light, radiant, capable of shining bright enough to ignite the fire in others…and just keep it going. We are at the final push. This must happen right now, shine, shine, shine baby! Find reasons to laugh, to smile, to ne greatful, yo be appreciative, no matter the bad. Feel the glow of life sparkling deep down as you allow yourself to truly enjoy that emotion. Nothing is quite as powerful.

Lightworkers, this is coming out as a message, now is your time to be the change that you want to see. Whether one sees this or many. You alone, you make a difference. That means tomorrow morning, you start being nicer. You make the resolve to not be pissed if someone cuts you off in traffic, or tailgates a little too close. You understand that they are just another human being, who is so lost and confused in this rat race of a life, that they cant think of anyone but themselves. And instead of just judging it, or getting mad, labeling them an asshole, stupid idiot who cant drive, or any other creative name, you just forgive them and wish they will find a moment to lift their nose from the grindstone and understand what they are doing to themselves. Tomorrow morning, you genuinely wish your coffee barista a great day because there is not a reason in the world it shouldnt be. Tomorrow morning, you smile at the checkstand clerk or gas attendant and thank them sincerely. Because everyone feels honesty, and when someone is honestly noticed they feel their soul flutter and wake up just a little more.

 

 

Well..that was unexpected. I just kept typing because the words just kept droping in to my head. I was pondering on one subject and then it turned into a conversation in my head, and then a monologue that wasnt mine. That was pretty cool. I felt the whole message, its urgency and its force, its need tobe delivered and heard.

So…that means… transition is here, put your best foot forward and be the change right now, because the time has come. (Again…not me)

 

Oki doki then. I think i am going to think about this.

Contemplating at the beach

As I sit here in peace, looking over the ocean waves crashing into the sand, i wonder what possesed  the man to say i can make this better. It truly had to have been some ego, to decide that the outside world needs to be altered. When really, all that  should have been altered is the inner world of the man. Instead of looking out and deciding what needs to change its wiser to look inside and see what needs to change. No matter the alterations to the outer world, the inner world is where the “problem” originated, so without looking at the cause you can only mask the symptoms for so Long.

We hold the power within to make our inner world a beautiful one and then to project it out on to the outer world. When you hold the light within, and share your light simply by living in it, you help those around you find their own light.

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