Mother’s guilt

I always regarded myself as a good mom, not great- I have room for improvement, no doubt, but overall I do feel like I’m a good mom. I love and appreciate my son, I See the human being that he is becoming and I’m proud of his determination, ability to listen to himself, understand what he likes and doesn’t like- qualities that many of us lack or not certain how to use in daily life. That being said, I never associated myself with words “mother’s guilt”- I know women in my life who struggle with it, and while I understand the concept, I fail to see how anyone wouldn’t see a way out of it! “Unless you are in fact a dead beat mom, you are doing great- is your child clothed, fed, and loved? You are golden, everything else is gravy on top.” The latest toys, the activity circles, the bake sales…blah blah blah.. c’mon the f**k on, you are doing your best and being a mom isn’t the only thing you are juggling. You have yourself too!

I decided that I needed to further examine this concept because I had such resistance to the idea that I may, in fact, experience mother’s guilt on some level and don’t recognize it. My brain kept screaming “you often think that you are a good mom, you are proud of the relationship you have with your son, he is well adjusted, social, confident- no, mother’s guilt is a concept that doesn’t apply to me”. Because I experienced such confidence and resistance to this concept, I knew it was a red flag that my conscious mind wasn’t seeing something in my subconscious. Amidst all of this, I find myself in a dilemma of where my son will go to pre-school next year. I have my eyes on an excellent private school that teaches Pre-K through 5th grade, tuition is very affordable, the program is fantastic, and my son loved it the 2 times that we visited. The huge “but” in this scenario is the time and distance it takes to get to this school- and there is only one road that is available to get there. I’d be looking at driving my son to school 27 miles, taking approximately 40 minutes, trekking back home the 27 miles, also 40 minutes (I work from home), and then driving back to pick him up that same 27 miles and that same 40 minutes, and then making that drive yet again to get home…27 miles and 40 minutes. So I’d be looking at spending 2.6 hours in commute daily, driving 108 miles a day, 5 days a week- just to get my son to this school. WHY??? Why would I do this to myself? I already struggle with routine and organization, we haven’t once made it on time to drop off at his current pre-school (that is 10 minutes away from us).. I’d be setting myself up for a huge failure in my personal life. Sure, he’d get to school- late or maybe not, sure I’d pick him up.. but where would I be in all of this? How do I feel about making this commitment? Forget about cost of gas, when you drive a truck that runs 14 gallons a mile.

The “Mother” voice comes in here… a good mother would make any sacrifice necessary for the good of her child. … This sentence right here is why I’m still in dilemma about this decision. The fact that my son begs to go to school there doesn’t help. I should be able to give myself permission to say “no, this doesn’t work for me!”, and say maybe in a year we’ll see if we can move closer to this school, but right now it doesn’t work.

So, truth be told, I do have mother’s guilt, it was just very well disguised and thankfully doesn’t come out in every day situation that I have discovered… but, it does come out occasionally and when it does, I have no footing to stand on, I lose all control and that is only then I understand and sympathize with mother’s that experience this feeling on a regular basis. I’ve never actually told anyone that their feeling is in valid, or somehow downplayed mother’s guilt when someone was telling me about it.. its always been an internal feeling, a “thought” if you will. I’m thankful to have a better understanding of it, and call it out when it’s holding me hostage in this particular situation.

I deserve to be able to say “this doesn’t work for me, no matter how good it is for my child” and not feeling guilty about it. I deserve to put myself first in this matter. And it’s okay to feel good about it. It’s okay to feel good about putting myself first. Because it’s not just about ME. I play many roles in my life- myself, a mom, a wife, a daughter, an employer, a housekeeper, a cook, a taxi- etc and all those roles have to be able to perform their duties in order for this family to function. When they don’t.. family problems begin. It’s not fair to my family either if I put myself in the position of where I will struggle everyday. That doesn’t serve anyone at all.


Pink dot

Color magenta, pink, fuscia, purple have made themselves known in my life, the color of a ripe berry- a beautiful rich lush deep pinkish purple color. I associate this color now with color of abundance and love.

I am so blessed in my life and I have set a challenge for myself to be intently more thankful for all the blessings that i live in every day life. I am very happily married to an amazing man, have a wonderful son, own a successful business and live in a beautiful home. This stands out so much more to me in the wake of today’s event in Syria- where people do not have a safe home, a place to live and cherish their families and lives together. Where all of this is at risk and non-existent.

I am challenging myself to take the time each and every day for the next 30 days to be thankful for the blessings in my life. I’ve placed Pink Dots in places in my home to remind myself of the love and support I am surrounded with.

All we ever want from our kids is to be greatful and good human beings, recognize the efforts we have made as parents to them in making their life comfortable. I want to be thankful to the Universe where I live, I want to recognize the creation for this beauty. May my intention be strong enough to last the 30 days.

Setting intentions daily

I seriously struggle with daily intention setting. My shadow self is a freaking beast! Even though I KNOW how my shadow creeps back in and how it makes me trip, I still don’t see it coming. I self sabotage so hard and good, that it blows my mind every time, and every time I struggle to get out of it. I’ve written to myself before to help me identify how my shadow creeps back in, how it sets up place and how it begins to feel and act when it’s in charge, I also have notes on how I can take control again.. but damn, every month it gets me. I’m on day 3, I’m pretty sure, trying to not let my shadow win- and it’s already won, so I’m just feeding it’s negative energy with my futile attempts to be the one in charge of how I feel and what I do.

My triggers are “self pity”- I desire more time for myself, I want to be lazy, I want to watch my TV shows, I want to read my books, work with my cards, study my esoteric materials. But I have some serious family responsiblities, and those have got to come first. No matter what. I have a husband to care for, a child to raise, 2 dogs and a cat, a house to keep and a business to run. I also do have myself to attend to. I confuse how to best care for myself- do I just need a hot bath at 11pm at night after everyone has gone to bed, or do I need to get some sleep so I can get up early and get a head start on my day. The latter is always the right answer! Indulging myself those late night activities, no matter how tempting, is the beginning of self sabotage. Once I don’t get enough sleep, the moodiness comes on, it’s easier to justify my self pity and thus give in fully to my shadow and play the victim of my own circumstances. I do not understand how I continue to fall for it. I suppose, I do, because a hot bath does sound very nice. I get confused when I begin thinking “well I do have to take a bath once in a while! I deserve to relax!”- the proper thought ought to be “of course you deserve to relax, but it should never be at the detriment of your sleep”. I need a routine, I would thrive on my own routine, but I fail at setting one up and following it. I get to “rigid” with it, down to 15 minute increments. It’s either not enough structure, or too much structure.. where is the “in between”? How do I achieve the in between. I suppose setting up some core values in my schedule would greatly help me.

What are some important things to structure my day? Wake up time, my son’s wake up time, dinner time, and bed time. Those should be form a good skeleton for a routine. So if I set my wake up time for 4:30am- half hour for dog potty time/and my shower and to get dressed. I should be ready to have some me time for about an hour, from 5am until 6am. In this time I could make a cup of hot tea, sit down with my studies or my book, do my daily cards. Honestly, most days I could probably get away with having an hour and a half in the morning to myself, from 5am until 6:30am, or even 7 at times. My child wakes up somewhere between 6:30 and 7:15am. I suppose I could get him an alarm clock, so he had a distinct wake up time (here come the obstacles in my head- it won’t work, he’ll be too tired, and grumpy, what if he wakes up early, you have to teach him to stay in his room till alarm goes off- thanks brain, I appreciate you building a brick wall of why I’m going to fail). Then from 7am until 8:30am- child morning routine, breakfast cooking/eating and clean up, and off to child care provider. After that I have my day. Here is where intention setting comes in- what am I going to accomplish today? Do I need to have a household day where I clean, do laundry, do fridge inventory, grocery shop? Or do I take a work day, where I answer our business phone, do our books, payroll, bill pays? Or do I take a personal day, where I spend the day attending to my own needs- maybe a nap, or some study time, that hot bath and a book. 4pm- child pick up. Here we have some play time with the kiddo, quality mom/son time every day, then dinner prep and cook, eat and clean. And bedtime routine begins for kiddo.

Laid out like that this doesn’t seem impossible at all. Perhaps I’ve ought to really give this a try and set up my week this way.. I know I will thrive.. damn self sabotage. But you won’t win. I know that.

Phase 2: Post Eclipse

Having thought about this for a while I became inspired with an understanding of what’s happening on a global level in the human consciousness. What does this Eclipse truly bring us?

The evolution of the human consciousness has been skyrocketing for quite some time now. In the last 30 years it has come leaps and bounds, really reaching it’s peak thus far as of the last 7 years.

So I find this fascinating, not to get too “Mayan prophecy” on you, but to correlate the facts of the shift we are experiencing. We know we are in the transition period of the galactic alignment, we move constellations so many thousands of years, we experience a life and death of the human evolution of consciousness. From the legends of a civilization so advanced ( aka consciousness evolved) to clear and pure evidence of the Stone Age when the humans were just learning how to make and use tools- there have been many times that humans have experienced evolution and have lost access to consciousness and then regain it as times goes on.

We are arriving at the peak of our evolution where the consciousness is about to evolve and we have a way of influencing the direction of its evolution. When I say “we” I say people who are “awake, conscious, intuitives, psychics, shadow workers, light workers” – the word doesn’t matter. The concept is what rings true- a person who is aware that she/he can improve himself, help others just by evolving his mind with some “out of the ordinary” things, working the other side of a brain. Side note: has anyone put a psychic through a CAT Scan or had monitors to check for brain activity in different regions of the brain and have them do a reading while their brain is being looked at? What part of the brain do you think would “light up”? I bet it would be the pineal gland, the 3rd eye, along with whatever area of the brain is their channel- one of the clairs. Anyway.

We had a “blip” of time to actively start waking ourselves up- doing our own shadow work, becoming aware of how we started affecting Mother Earth with our machines and technology, how we are on a global level having an impact on our environment. Then scaled down to individual person’s accountability for his/her actions- how ONE person can make a difference. Well, from there enough people got passionate about this and spread the message of “recycle, renewable energy”- that’s why these words now exist in our vocablary, because someone at some point in time got together with like minded people and made it their business to make humanity’s relationship with Mother Earth a better one, a healthier one. Few started it, but it woudln’t have worked if others didn’t become inspired by it and actually follow through. I am talking – garbage companies changing their equipment, their services to include recycling of paper, glass – that took organization and will to change! That took money, it took restructure but it was done and now look at that, your recylcing gets picked up at your house every other week! CHANGE IS POSSIBLE.

It starts with inspiration. It is OUR turn to inspire! It is OUR turn to work together, exploring each other’s insights and gifts and talents, become “buzzing” with energy so we can spark one off another and “light” more people with this infectious inspiration. What do we need to inspire each with? LIFE. The beauty of life. Our time on this planet is truly amazing. The creation of this world is undeniably breathtaking! This childlike wonder needs to find its place back into our hearts and take residence there if humanity has any hope of turning things around.

People who are “awake” have access to a gift of perspective- seeing how you can make an impact in a positive direction. From super cool “spiritual” gifts where people with tremendous potential are quietly lurking because they are too shy and quiet to speak up- that takes time, to find enough courage to participate in a discussion or ask a question sometimes. But if people are prompted with activities, questions, conversations, non-hostile environment, and welcoming, inspiring, and interesting members that growth happens a lot sooner. May be one person finds another person and a beautiful friendship forms of a student and a teacher- in a non-hierarchical type of way- but in a “global vision of inspiring the planet” type of a way. Encouraging people in their gifts, sincerely sharing their joy and wonder in life for the discoveries that they are making on their journey.

Think of it like- you have scaled by yourself to the top of the mountain- maybe with one or two inspirational books or if you are lucky, people close to you. Now it is your turn to turn around and give a hand to the person behind them, so that we can get over this mountain faster and get to the next chapter in our book of humanity.

Start conversations, ask questions- find people who you click with- get together with them for a skype session- not for money, but because you clicked! Feed off each other’s energy, connect and possibly make some discoveries together or create something beautiful like a new business to assist those who are still on their quest. Phase 2, post- eclipse- is the phase where we get together and SPARK, baby. We have got to fire up the global network of consciousness- and to get it online we have to work together.

I have been inspired with this vision after seeing a person whom I met for a reading just LIGHT UP with vision, fire and inspiration. I inspired her, she in turn inspired me, and here we are. This was a beautiful exchange of energy- and see the beautiful part here is that this relationship doesn’t need to have any labels put on it- it’s doing a service to the human kind when you are in the position to gift someone inspiration. So, don’t doubt yourself and just excatly how wonderful you are- GO INSPIRE SOMEONE.


Do readings for each other

Gift a bit of your gift to another person

Engage in conversation about something metaphysical- we have got to make it an okay subject to be talked about! We have come a long ways, but it needs to be normalized even further. There is plenty of work to be done here!

Attend “Go Live” sessions of people who ARE in the front lines of the inspiration – my shout out to Benebell Wen, Ethony Dawn, NWTS, Oracle Soup, Hermit’s Lamp, Jessi Huntingberg, Brigit from Biddy Tarot, Peggy Walman, Paris Debono, JP Sears, Teal Swan, Jay Shetty — I am SO leaving out a BUNCH of people- but these people are the next generation of inspriaton who’s lead we have got to follow up. I don’t know how many of them realize just what kind of an inspiration they really are for someone on “the path”- some aren’t very spiritual at all, some are #SpiritualAF – each is leaving their own uniquie footprint in this groundwork. They are attracting the RIGHT people to themselves! For example someone doesn’t resonate with Benebell and may not be interested in Tarot- could be inspired by JP- PERFECT. That is all that is necessary- YOUR INDIVIDUALITY!

I’m so thrilled to be on this journey along side with everyone- its going to be a great ride if we can reach out to those who have inspired us, or you feel “pulled to”-and start making magic happen, because from there on- it’s going to blaze with the speed of light!

Lets get this party started with some connections, skype chats, readings! Even 30 minutes of your time once.

Contribute to the Great Shift.

Love and light




Jumping in

I didn’t set an intention, I didn’t plan this out, I don’t have a vision for what this looks like .. but I’m totally jumping in head first!

I’ve joined the instagram world, I’ve figured out how to create tarot spreads with the help of a computer app- and I’m just going to go ahead and share what I’ve got. There is no use keeping it all inside and in my head lol noone benefits from that.

So on Instagram come find me at:  yuliap719


Here are the two spreads I’ve gotten up so far, more to come

#totaleclipse #tarotspread #taroteclipse #monthahead #tarotreadings


Much love to you!

Eclipse 2Month ahead

Feeling the call


I’m not sure how many people are as aware of what’s happening on the larger scale of things as I am, but I feel compelled to share what I see and feel and understand.


We are at the early early stages of the Great shift in consciousness. This has been ramping up for about 200 years, going through it’s ups and down, peaking and dying back down. Our generation’s time has come to rise to the occasion and take this bobbing wave to the next level. We need to crest this wave, as my friend Shana says. We need to help it and see it through. The energy that has arrived to Earth needs physical assistance, it needs a physical embodiment, a physical manifestation. The only way to make that happen, is for us, physical beings with an awareness of this energy, to shape it and assist it in reaching its goal.

What in the world am I talking about?

I hope folks with an intuitive gift already know and understand.. I’m certain most of us have felt it subtly or strongly- all depends on the individual and how in tune you are.        I, for one, feel it’s pressing energy, overwhelming, undoubting, ever present and eternal. It surrounds us, it’s shifting us into best possible locations and teams, uniting us and helping us help it achieve its goal. Energy of change. Energy of the new evolutionary process of the human society. Our souls are waking up, our alarm clock is sending distant signals letting us know we can turn things around and make the change, but we have got to wake up and work as a team. Intuitive people feel this. Intuition is on the rise- the energy is so strong that it’s waking up a lot of people, but they aren’t quite sure what to do with it.

If you are one of these people: your task is your shadow work! Why? Because as long as you harbor shadows in your soul, the light can’t reach you fully, thus you can’t be as effective. You need to use this energy to make transformations in your own life, and as that change is made you are able to assist the global collective. Shadow work means working through your own limitations, doing an assessment of what in your life serves you and what doesn’t, what are you not looking at, what needs attention, what have you been carrying around for no good reason, what can you shed, and what can you accept. Its not easy task, but the capability exists in all of us. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here during this time on earth. You have selected this time to come here so you can see this change through. Its not a coincidence that you are waking up to your own abilities, that you are starting to ask larger questions like “who am I? what am I here for? whats my greatest joy? why are people so awful to each other? what can I do?” or even simpler questions like “do I believe in God? do I believe in a creator? OR how did we end up here?” may be even questions like aliens, ancient cultures, witches, pagans, druids, Egypt- anything that has a mystery is calling you.. take a deep look at why you are asking these questions. Find things that inspire your thirst for knowledge and let them lead, leave the stigma’s behind and introduce this change into your life.

This is a very exciting time and you have a lot to contribute! Don’t doubt that one bit, because deep down you are not just a human, you are an eternal soul that has a mission this lifetime around and your work is different than everyone around you, but it is equally important. None of us have the exact same gifts, many have similarities, but each has an individual specialty. You have an important role to play in the global perspective of this shift. I promise.

I have much more to say on this subject and look forward to providing my view on things as we progress through this incredible month of August.

PS: there is SO much happening in August! Wow! We are in for a real treat here.. get your seat belt on!

Love and light,


Musings of a soul

Morning dew

I was reading my son a bedtime story, and one of the paragraphs talked about the morning dew. My mind wondered on this subject as I continued to read out loud, completely detached from the rest of the story.

Morning dew. It’s born every day because of the conditions in the environment. It is created out of the thin air. Scientifically, it is not so, and we understand why this event occurs. However, spiritually, this is a rather magik concept, isn’t it? It is a true combination of all 5 creative energies: water, air, earth, fire and Spirit. Without just one this would be impossible- if the temperature didn’t variate at night drastically, morning dew would not be there; if sun didn’t come up shining brightly and heating up the air, the morning dew wouldn’t be there. This is alchemy at it’s best. The combination of 4 environmental energies, aided by the Spirit, results in creation.  Witnessing a birth of water- the only unconscious living “being” on the planet- is a very special moment. Water runs, it moves, it plays – bathing in its environment. It LIVES by moving and celebrating its beauty. If water doesn’t move, it stagnates, it dies- think of stinky lakes and swamps. Death rules in that environment. Water takes shape in 3 stages: gas, vapor and solid. Water influenced by a frequency (cymatics) makes it take shapes that are not natural and make it move in certain ways. Water behaves in different ways. There are the slow moving rivers. This water is appreciative of its surroundings and it appears to ponder it’s habitat. There are other streams, that are wild, bursting with energy, wildly dashing through its surroundings. Water dies- streams dwindle down, slowly stopping its flow, and the water ceases to exist. Or it stagnates and breads bacteria. Water is born in new places through movement: it explores its new environment as it hugs every nook and cranny, every rock, every root in its path. Water makes things come alive- it is capable of moving anything in its path, it is unstoppable.

I digress. The morning dew is literally water appearing out of nowhere. This water is life itself being born. This is an absolutely magikal time in our environment. What a cycle in creation to witness! What a beautiful moment that is no longer appreciated by most humans on Earth, because we forgot what it means to LOVE our planet. There is a very good documentary about Dr. Emoto and his work “The water experiment”. His findings prove that the energy a person emits with intention, such as wishing someone well, or wishing someone ill,  has an influence on the water’s molecular structure. For example, a beautiful geometrical shape takes place if the intention is of loving and caring frequency. But distorted, dying and shapeless forms were the result of negative and hurtful frequency. To take this a step further: if we take the freshly born water (aka morning dew) and charge it with positive intention and loving and kind energy, this would create a very special “potion”. Pure born water mixed with pure intention, consumed with intention would no doubt have an impact on the person consuming this drink. However, it is worth mentioning that intention is the absolute key for this to work. The phrase “those who don’t believe won’t be affected” really resonates here. If you think this won’t work- you are not charging the water with the intention, thus of course it won’t work. However, if you take the time to feel into this understanding, you can open up the correct intention. If you understand why this event is important spiritually, you will understand what kind of an impact your soul can make when setting the proper intention.  That water would literally be LIFE that you are drinking. I’m sure I have to make the legal disclaimer here- I’m not a doctor, seek counsel of your doctor should you have a condition that requires medical attention. This is not meant to replace medical procedures. What else did I forget? Use common sense. But I know that those who understand the world on my level, will see what I’m talking about when I speak of live water and intention.

Examples of what you can intend the water to be:

-a health potion that corrects the PH level in your body.

-a cure for whatever disease, disorder, health issue.

-a charge of loving energy.

-a charge of positivity.

-a cup of self-love and self-care.

-a cup of a patience.

Visualization as you intentionally drink the dew could create another level of reality for you to experience. Setting the intention is a skill, there is a great difference between a wish, imagination, thought and true intention. When we want to move our arm- we don’t wish for it to happen, we don’t will it to happen, we don’t need to imagine it- we just do it. That’s intention. There is a world of understandings there about this (Transurfing reality is one; “The Secret” is another). This is just a side note to consider.


In Russian Pagan culture there is a special holiday, called Ivan Kupala. Kupala, which sounds like someone’s last name, but actually is formed from the word “kupat'”, which means  “to bathe”. Translated loosely, it would be something along the lines of Ivan the Bathing. This special day happens from the night of July 6th to the 7th. Traditionally, on this night women and men would go out bathing in the fields of tall grass covered in the evening and morning dew. They would go out naked to walk, dance, and run allowing the morning dew to absorb into the skin. Near the Summer Solstice, June 22nd, this was believed to have been the night where the most powerfully charged dew is created, thus energies of creation are in bloom. The plants are believed to be at their prime energetic peak.

Now, to take this a step further: morning dew forms on different plants. Freshly formed, it comes in contact with a plant, that carries its own qualities. For thousands of years people have understood that plants posses different qualities, such as calming, relaxing, energetic. Their properties have a direct influence on medical conditions such as low blood pressure, migranes, stomach aches etc.  When the plant is in a full energetic peak, covered in freshly created morning dew it creates a one of a kind essence: a mixture of the plant and the water, and the surrounding energy. The synergy of water and the special quality of the plant, becomes a very special potion. Even if the plant is not at its full prime peak, it still has an influence on the dew that formed on it.

I grew up with my grandmother telling me to always walk barefoot in the morning dew. She taught me that this brought health, longevity and satisfaction to a person’s life. I feel like I understood that at the time, as a child, on an extremely deep and connected level. And then.. the blind unconscious of modern society, shielded me from practicing that understanding, eventually making it easy for me to forget all about it. Modern society is structured to keep us always busy with something, always distracted from our connection with earth, with creation, with life and with ourselves. How often are you able to take the time to just be? Be in this moment, enjoying it just as it is right here and right now? Between beeping phones, flashing lights, constant noises- we are distracted. We forget to observe our environment, and we sub-come to it, often getting swallowed by its current. We dive into daily grind, daily struggles, and we forget to come back up for air.

Taking moments to pause and enjoy life, to connect with a beautiful moment of a sunrise, or a sunset, to connect with the howling wind, or with the crashing waves of the ocean, or with the roar of a waterfall, or with the slow and steady movement of a wide river. To be one with the chirping of the birds, or with the “ribbit-ribbit” of a spring frog. These moments give you the perspective that you need to gain in life to make it more meaningful. Taking the time to connect, to heal energetically will have tremendous effects on the health of an individual.

I look forward to muse further on this understanding, and explore it deeper. The level of understanding of it in my head is huge, but I struggle to find the words to re-tell it and paint the picture that I see in my head.

Love and light,