Emotional responses

My toddler hits me sometimes, and from a review perspective I can tell it is because I wasn’t listening to what he wanted/needed or was trying to tell me. I’m not talking about wanting something he isn’t suppose to, like ice cream or new toy. I’m talking about me being in my own world, thinking about work or somehow Otherwise absent. Looking back at the end of the day I see what went wrong and he felt he had no choice but to deploy his tiny hands. I can also tell that he understands it’s wrong and not want I want him to do when he needs something. He hits once, waits for me to snap out of whatever I’m thinking of or not listening to him, once I do and tell him “no hitting hurts, it’s not nice”, he hits again and again… Many people think it’s an act of defiance or the terrible twos… however, interestingly I remember myself at that age and being frustrated and I kept hitting because I didn’t want to or know how to deal with the emotions I was experiencing. The first hit is out of anger and desperation, like “oh for f**** sake why can’t you understand me/pay attention to me”. Then comes the guilt and annoyance at myself, uh I hit mom, I’m not supposed to, but I can’t look at my action and admit that I understand so I’m just going to do it over and over and over to pretend that I don’t understand. Somehow it felt wrong to be in tune to what I was experiencing. I see the same in my son. However when I’m in the moment and if I’m not feeling particularly spiritual I don’t recognize it and just get really frustrated with him hitting me. I feel like I instantly dropped down to a much lower vibration and now I’m giving him low vibration responses like display of frustration, maybe even losing my temper and yelling. I’m not perfect. From there I don’t care what high frequency answers may hold for me. I’m interested in staying right there with my frustration. I set a bad example for my son by showing him these low vibration responses and not acknowledging that there was an issue to begin with that caused him to hit me. Now he hits because he knows he will get me to snap out of it that way. He is far from hitting often, so I know I’m totally off reading his needs when he does. I don’t feel in tune, I feel disconnected and distant from him and his world. Maybe reminding myself during that moment that I’m missing a connection will snap me back and give the perspective to look at the bigger picture.

Looking back I feel horrible for giving him such negative emotional responses. It damages our relatonship, it hurts his feelings.

I’m sorry kiddo, mom is learning this feeling and understanding emotions thing…. hopefully I’ll tackle this one soon by noticing it.  :-/

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